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1:46pm July 13, 2013
Really comfortable in bed right now. Just sort of lying here taking in my surroundings, including the ones not immediately visible. Because as usual, sensory pattern abilities result in noticing skill kinds of things outside the immediate room I spend my life in. And I curl up and listen to everything around me, including things nobody else notices. And that makes my life mean far more than most people would imagine it does. There’s a lot of the world that you can’t notice if you’re moving around all the time. It’s much easier to notice if you’re in one place, most or all of the time. In new environments, I get disoriented, dizzy, and nauseated, and the world spins and jerks and falls to pieces. If I spend long enough in one place, the world takes on a certain depth. There are layers and layers of meaning, color, texture, and movement. And I can see more of that the more I stay in one place. So don’t feel bad for me, because I live in bed. Don’t assume that life is passing me by, or that there’s some sort of richness to the world that can only be experienced by moving around all the time, never by staying still. Don’t assume that I would be happier if I could go out dancing, socializing, or shopping. And don’t expect me to apologize for my happiness in a world that expects me to be miserable to the point of suicide. This is who I am, this is how I live, and my life has plenty of meaning as I am now, not as you imagine I could be in a non-existent world where I was cured. So I’ll continue to curl up under my bedsheet and feel parts of the world that would likely not be recognizable if I were too busy out of bed and moving around, to soak up the sensations that are embedded in one place if you know it well enough and stay there long enough. And this is possible not in spite of being autistic or in spite off being bedridden. But rather because of both. These are parts of my life that are important to how I experience the world. And nobody ever talks about this kind of thing. Everyone talks about life passing you by. But life is not passing me by. Life is flowing through me and around me, and doing all the normal things life actually does. The idea of life passing you by is an illusion. A powerful and dangerous illusion, but still an illusion. Life is right here, all the time, strong and powerful, wherever you happen to be. It’s there whether you feel it or not. It is strong and it will fill you up with everything you need in life. So that’s my reaction to everyone who tells me my life is nothing. Who makes assumptions about my so-called “quality of life”. Who looks at me and sees an empty life where death would be better. None of that is true.  My life is rich and meaningful. There is nothing wrong with it. I connect with the world around me every single day. I don’t need to be living the exact same life as people are expected to live, in order to get at least as much out of it as anyone else does.

Really comfortable in bed right now. Just sort of lying here taking in my surroundings, including the ones not immediately visible. Because as usual, sensory pattern abilities result in noticing skill kinds of things outside the immediate room I spend my life in. And I curl up and listen to everything around me, including things nobody else notices. And that makes my life mean far more than most people would imagine it does.

There’s a lot of the world that you can’t notice if you’re moving around all the time. It’s much easier to notice if you’re in one place, most or all of the time.

In new environments, I get disoriented, dizzy, and nauseated, and the world spins and jerks and falls to pieces.

If I spend long enough in one place, the world takes on a certain depth. There are layers and layers of meaning, color, texture, and movement. And I can see more of that the more I stay in one place.

So don’t feel bad for me, because I live in bed. Don’t assume that life is passing me by, or that there’s some sort of richness to the world that can only be experienced by moving around all the time, never by staying still.

Don’t assume that I would be happier if I could go out dancing, socializing, or shopping. And don’t expect me to apologize for my happiness in a world that expects me to be miserable to the point of suicide. This is who I am, this is how I live, and my life has plenty of meaning as I am now, not as you imagine I could be in a non-existent world where I was cured.

So I’ll continue to curl up under my bedsheet and feel parts of the world that would likely not be recognizable if I were too busy out of bed and moving around, to soak up the sensations that are embedded in one place if you know it well enough and stay there long enough.

And this is possible not in spite of being autistic or in spite off being bedridden. But rather because of both. These are parts of my life that are important to how I experience the world.

And nobody ever talks about this kind of thing. Everyone talks about life passing you by. But life is not passing me by. Life is flowing through me and around me, and doing all the normal things life actually does. The idea of life passing you by is an illusion. A powerful and dangerous illusion, but still an illusion. Life is right here, all the time, strong and powerful, wherever you happen to be. It’s there whether you feel it or not. It is strong and it will fill you up with everything you need in life.

So that’s my reaction to everyone who tells me my life is nothing. Who makes assumptions about my so-called “quality of life”. Who looks at me and sees an empty life where death would be better.

None of that is true.  My life is rich and meaningful. There is nothing wrong with it. I connect with the world around me every single day. I don’t need to be living the exact same life as people are expected to live, in order to get at least as much out of it as anyone else does.

Notes:
  1. calypso-thetempest reblogged this from withasmoothroundstone
  2. apathetic-misanthrope reblogged this from withasmoothroundstone and added:
    Always nice to get a new perspective on things.
  3. withasmoothroundstone reblogged this from soilrockslove
  4. soilrockslove reblogged this from withasmoothroundstone and added:
    Also, why I am happy even though I don’t travel much/just watch things a lot.