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3:21am July 14, 2013

➸ Trying to find the right words: Before I say this and before I am possibly slayed...

vivalalucie:

I’d like to say quickly that I have not been officially diagnosed with Aspergers, nor do I consider myself to be ‘self-diagnosed.’ However, I do recognise AS as a strong possibility after thorough research/speaking to others and as something that could potentially tie a LOT of…

I tend to have that reaction when I’m reading a book. And there’s some connection that’s obvious to the reader but not (some of?) the characters. And finally, finally it’s revealed to the characters in question.

Adrenaline rush, squealing in delight, running around the room in circles, etc. At least when I was capable of running in circles.

And yes I also get the same feeling when I connect up things in my special interests.

Oh also I learned the hard way that making such connections in real life doesn’t work so well. As in, revealing things to other people that they weren’t aware of in regard to my life. (I once confused the hell out of a grade school teacher by calling him from the pay phone of a mental institution. I didn’t really say much, the phone call made a connection between two unrelated parts of my life and I expected the call itself to make him as excited as I was for “linking” two unrelated environments across space and time.

Similarly when I tried to run away from home once, I walked to my other grade school and started acting out the content of dreams. Then I had to come up with some bullshit explanation, which only landed me in deep trouble with psychiatry, because I had no words to explain I was trying to create another one of those linkages between different parts of my life. I also thought I had to explain things even when I had no explanation in words I understood, and that’s what got me in trouble.

But all I was really trying to do was link up different times and places and events in my life in order to experience that joy of connecting things. In both cases I just described, it backfired horribly and I was unable to even think about the events without punishing myself, for over a decade.

At the time of both events, of course, I was not very good at using words to describe my true inner experiences, but knew words were required of me, so i just made stuff up if I had no words of my own.