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2:29pm July 24, 2013

You have to understand. (Written in 2005, largely about a woman who later used her power in a DD agency to falsely accuse me of hitting her (I didn’t touch her, there were witnesses), as well as trespassing (I wasn’t, my movement disorder made me walk until I hit a fence), and going AWOL (I was an adult, allowed to leave whenever I wanted), all because I tried to stand up to her. My staff became “renegade staff” for defending me.)

[This is written to expose the real message behind the words of some of the patronizing and controlling people — mostly non-disabled ‘advisors’ — I have met in my experiences with ‘self-advocacy’. Dave Hingsburger wrote about this dynamic in Cutting the Strings: Suggestions for Self-Advocacy Groups, and Phil Schwarz gave it brief mention in his discussion of ‘pseudo-allies’ in Identifying, Educating, and Empowering Allies. If you are a self-advocate who finds these words useful, please use them, but keep my name and this note on them. If you are an ‘advisor’ who sees yourself in these words somehow, please do something about it. And by do something, I don’t mean make excuses and scapegoats. We know perfectly well what you’re doing to us.]

You don’t understand how we do things here. Here, please let me show you. You have to understand these things.

Hear this sing-song voice? That means that I’m trying to explain something to you. It’s for your own good. It will help me oppress you.
You have to understand that I am going to oppress you and use my power and privilege against you, but you’re not allowed to say anything about it. Once you actually say something, the power of my mild sing-song tone will cause you to look positively combative in comparison. I will use my perfect voice and all the correct buzzwords — the right words sometimes, but in the wrong context — and you will look crass next to me.

And see these people around here? You have to understand that they process information differently. (Forget that you do. That’s not important here. Because you’re being bad right now and it’s my job to give corrections.) That’s why I have to assist them (that actually means control them but you’re not allowed to say so, because you do acknowledge that people need assistance, and you wouldn’t want to look like you were denying that). We’ve accomplished a lot.

Truly taking the time to listen to you or anyone else in the group is out of the question. I have a schedule to keep, after all. I will spend a good deal of time on topics that have nothing to do with your rights, and then I will rush you through any discussion of real issues.

If this bothers you, I will make it your problem, and point out to you that it’s just not possible to hold a discussion with people with slow processing. Heaven forbid I slow things down so that you can understand and give meaningful input. After all, I let you people interrupt me during other times, so long as the interruption doesn’t bother me too much. That’s all that can be done for you. You couldn’t possibly have an interaction style of your own that takes more time. I couldn’t wait for the words to come out. I’ll put them in your mouth if you want, though, and then you can repeat my words. Isn’t that revolutionary?

I’d let you have your voice if it were meek and compliant. But since your voice is different, since you’ve had a taste of living as a free human being with rights, I am going to have to do something about this. But I won’t say so. And if you say so, nobody will believe you. After all, you’re just a client, and I can make up an excuse for your input not to count.

But no, you’re not a client. We’re all individuals. I am just as individual as the rest of you. You are each individual from each other. In this way, I can teach you to ignore oppression by acting as if we are on equal ground to begin with.

When I want you to be smart, I’ll treat you like you’re smart, because it’s convenient to me. When I want you to be dumb, I’ll treat you like you’re dumb, because it’s convenient to me. None of it will have to do with anything about how you process information or think about things. It’s all about me and my ability to dominate you. But you’re not allowed to say so, that would be wrong.

I am going to do this all in the name of protecting everyone else from what you have to say, but really you threaten my position of authority. You not only understand what’s going on, but you say something about it. The others understand how patronizing and controlling I am, and some even take steps against it, but I am going to shove that to the back of my mind and put my focus on you. That way I won’t have to think about the fact that in all my lectures about the proper modes of self-advocacy, I have never given anyone the tools to stand up to me. If people don’t stand up to me, it’s obviously because I’ve never done anything wrong.

If I single you out, I won’t have to think about what I am doing to everyone, I can just understand that there is this one person. Should I decide that you are critical and antagonistic, or should I just decide that you don’t understand because you’re disabled and need me to explain everything to you in the same voice that I speak to two-year-olds with? Maybe I’ll combine both, that will confuse you enough that you can’t come up with a quick response.

I am going to refuse to acknowledge the fact that you’re disabled, for the duration of this conversation. I may pay it lip-service, but I won’t take into account that when you listen to me you hear “You have to understand, blah-blah-blah, you have to understand, blah-blah-blah…" and miss almost everything but the patronizing tone and repetitive words. I’ll rush you so that you have to come up with quick, ineffective responses. And then I’ll tell you that you don’t understand the time some people need, and I’ll use your own words against you. But I won’t acknowledge that I’m running roughshod over your receptive and expressive language patterns, because that would be acknowledging that I’m doing something wrong, and that doesn’t fit my self-image as a wonderful helper to disabled people.

You’re not allowed to say anything about any of this. It’s all subtext. You are supposed to listen to this and be terrified and shamed into obedience. But anyone who voices the fact that they notice this subtext, whether they do it in words or behavior, well we can just hurry by them.

It’s all supposed to go unsaid. If you say anything, you’re ruining the wonderful bond we’ve all built up. And if you say anything, it shows you truly don’t understand how much I help you people.

It’s “you people" if I want to dominate you in one particular way. It’s “those people" if for some reason my dominance requires distancing you from the others. But don’t ever attempt to say that you have a common bond with them that none of you share with me. That would be divisive, and we can’t have that while I’m trying to control you. It would bring the power realities of the situation into such sharp focus that it would make it difficult for me to be dominant.

I say this with a smile on my face and in my voice, the very picture of cheerfulness. This means that if you are anything less, it’s clear which one of us is being nice. Never mind if you don’t have the cognitive or motor skills to do all this social pretending bullshit. With this cheerful attitude, I will erase all evidence of privilege, power, and dominance. While at the same time remaining at the top of all three. You have to understand, this is the way we do things, and you don’t fit. And if you don’t fit, it’s your fault, you need to learn to fit. You need to learn to be my kind of self-advocate, my kind of everything.

You have to understand, you have three choices: Shut up, agree with me, or disagree with me on a point so minor it’s not worth anything to me. Me, me, me, me, me. I do so much for all of you. Me, me, me, me, me. You have to understand. Me, me, me. Isn’t it empowering to allow me to speak my words using your hands or vocal cords?

If you keep coming back, I’ll have the chance to mold you into my image of a proper self-advocate, working within ineffective systems to get things done. Don’t you want that kind of recognition? Then you will understand what’s so important about us. But before you came to us, you knew nothing of self-advocacy. You knew nothing of the real ways to stand up for yourself. We need to teach you the real ways. Or I will teach you, through what I have imparted to others, who know how to do things the real way and don’t like the way you do things. But it’s not about me. Me, me, me, me, me.

You have to understand.

You have to understand.

You have to understand.

You have to understand.

You have to understand.

You have to understand.

(You have to obey.)