9:29am August 9, 2013

I was having this weird dream.

I was in a dystopian society. Where magic was real.  So was telepathy.  And I’d just figured out that i had both inclinations against the state and magical abilities to put them into practice.

As in real life, i was actually good at putting a thought out of my mind. I’ve never understood why “don’t think of pink elephants for a minute” ifs such a hard task. You just immediately pick another topic and concentrate on it with all your mind.  You don’t focus on “I’m not supposed to think of this”, you instead think “I AM supposed to think of THAT.”  I’m also good, from long practice, at cutting a thought of nearer and nearer to the source until i simply stop having it.

Maybe I’d be good at Occlumency… Or maybe not. Maybe it requires a lot more than just controlling your thoughts.

Anyway i certainly immediately tried to focus my thoughts on other things. Like — since this was one of those dreams where i have to carry Fey around indefinitely — carrying Fey around. She was my familiar, so at least I had a reason, unlike most dreams like that.

I was going to one of my magic classes. I don’t know what kind of magic, I just know I called it my sheep class because the teacher’s familiar was a sheep. A weird looking sheep. Looked sometimes like half a sheep. But often in my dreams things and people have an entirely different visual appearance than identity. I always wonder if it’s because of my visual processing problems, something in my brain doesn’t connect how it should.

Anyway I looked into my teacher’s mind and saw something I’d never noticed before. It was like an eye symbol, but it seemed to have a meaning that only I could see: that he was another dissident, but the meaning of this would only be clear to another dissident. He saw me recognize it and immediately wanted me to fly off with him.

I wondered what he was going to teach me. I remember wondering about occlumency and then thinking “nope, wrong book”.  He kept flying to different places with me, looking around, and flying even further afield until at one point we were in outer space. And he was feeding me this word tasting food, crunchy but weird.

I never learned what new kind of lessons he was going to teach me, all I knew was they were going to help us overthrow the government. But I woke up eating that weird food.

At which point I discovered the taste is the taste of bile I always get when wearing my drainage bag. 

And that I’m nauseated and my entire body feels like it was torn to shreds then put back together in the wrong order.

But at least the dream wasn’t real. I had like five versions of the dream throughout the night too. That happens. A lot. I get these weird dreams that instead of going away when I wake up, they repeat and repeat, but slightly different each time. Ever since going on Trileptal, my dreams frequently have elaborate science fiction or fantasy plots. But not usually GOOD plots. They are rarely anything that would truly make a good story. They’re just elaborate, weird, and have more continuity than any dream ever should by my standards. Dreams used to just be these weird fragmented things that rarely made sense.  Now they’re bad sci fi movies. IDK.

But I can’t wait until someone gets her to give me my meds. Because I’m queasy and feel gross and uncomfortable.  And my lungs feel full of fluid like they always do if I sleep a long time.