Theme
11:44am August 16, 2013

dendriforming:

Also, Autreat isn’t perfect autistic safe space. Even in the very first year I was there, I heard people saying things that made it very clear that it was only a safe space for certain sorts of autistic people. I present in ways that make it generally safe for me. (I don’t perceive it as safe, but that’s probably an anxiety thing.) But I can’t treat it as an automatic safe space for any random autistic person. And didn’t realize quite how widespread the assumption that it *is* was.

It’s very widespread, and I’ve gotten into a surprising amount of social trouble over the years for pointing out that it’s NOT. 

They like to point out that they’ve had nonspeaking and “low functioning” people there from the beginning, but they don’t know what it’s like to BE such a person there.

The worst part was when one of them emailed someone and told her to explain to me why my ideas about making it better were wrong. The person they emailed happened to be the very person who had come up with some of the ideas they were opposing. 

You wouldn’t believe the things that have happened there. Not just to nonspeaking people but to people who just don’t fit the mold or can’t function in that environment.

And for saying this, for telling other people like me about it, etc., for awhile they assumed I was, in their words, “relentlessly attacking”  them. I even got compared to abusers for bringing stuff up using the wrong communication style.

Things seemed better for me later on after they realized I wasn’t trying to destroy the place. But they never realized what I WAS doing. Which was taking a place that was already good for some people and trying to open it up for more people.

But, they said, they were already open to those people.

It was very frustrating.

I would still go if I could. But safe space? For me? For many many people I know? No. Never. Never has been.

I even get uncomfortable with the term “autistic space” as applied there. It isn’t MY “autistic space”.

And I hope this doesn’t get taken as more “relentless bashing”  because that’s not what it is.

And like… The way one person I know put it… “If someone tried to introduce interaction badges there today because they didn’t exist yet, it would never fly. They’d say it was too much trouble for something people should be able to handle on their own.”

And all of this is… This is a place is like to be better than it is. I’m not saying it’s a terrible place. For many people is amazing. But for many people it isn’t. And I wasn’t it to be better. And even the way my motives have been questioned over and over is scary.

And what you said before about parents who would take their children to Autreat… You’re totally right. I’ve seen parents who took their children to Autreat who are as far from ideal as it is possible to get. Some of whom have a lot of status there.

And you wouldn’t believe the way some people talk about (and to) “LFA”  people there.  A few of us got so fed up we gave a presentation on the topic. Only to hear, as feedback, “this is Autreat, nobody here needs to hear this”.  One of us the year before had someone come up to us and in a song song voice try to teach them to say “bubble”.  I’ve heard a group of people talk about us in the most crass and horrible ways and then do “I don’t mean YOU…”  And then their whole bodies telegraphed as loud as can be that they thought I just didn’t know what REAL LFA people are like because they “worked with them” and I didn’t and I was shutting down losing the ability to type and I left tuff room to avoid becoming Exhibit A. They thought I stormed out in anger. They couldn’t imagine I didn’t want to be unable to type and helpless to defend myself in front of them. I can’t describe what it’s like to hear yourself described in the most condescending of terms and then hear “not YOU”.   Yes I’ve been essentially “not like my childed”  by AUTISTIC PEOPLE AT AUTREAT. And a friend of mine was explicitly described as low functioning in front of a group while unable to protest by someone very high up there. And I’ve been treated similarly. When I’m not being treated as an honorary aspie. I can’t tell which is worse. Honorary aspie is so insulting.

I always wonder what it would be like to be the sort of person who goes to Autreat and waxes eloquent about the wonders of autistic space and coming home for the first time.  But that is not and will probably never be me.

ETA: There’s also a lot of name recognition going on there. You get away with more the more known you are.