5:12am September 5, 2013

I feel like I’m going to either throw up or scream.

But I know that I’ll do neither.

Also I feel so horribly ticcy. Like my body will be bursting with motions and random words.

But I know it will do neither.

And I’m in so much pain I can barely think straight.

And I have to get up in 3.5 hours for a doctors appointment in 6 hours. 

And I’m not sure I’ll sleep.

I feel like my head is in one place and my feet are somewhere else.

I feel like I’m being stained all over by not-me things that need to stay away from me.

I felt like this when my mom first got here and I was horrified. I wanted a good visit with her and it seemed impossible.  It seemed like I couldn’t ever behave how I wanted.

But then after the first few days of was wonderful.

And now that she’s gone it feels the same in reverse.

I keep telling myself if I allow the tics to come out they’ll only build on themselves and hurt me.

I feel stretched and twisted and everything is wrong and I can’t find right.

Except is weird how when I say I can’t find right. Sometimes I find just the tiniest sliver of it.

Like I did just now.

I want the world to stop spinning.

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