Theme
2:31am September 21, 2013
stilllifequickheart: John White Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly 1585-93 Terrifying. Reminds me of being taught to kill butterflies and pin them to things and feeling all the while like I wanted to throw up but never realizing I had any choice in the matter. And the swallowtail that flew into my dollhouse and died with its wings open. (Unless someone put it there. But if they did nobody admitted.) Leading to a truly OCD level terror of dead butterflies until I felt as if they were everywhere and I was stepping on them and couldn’t get away from them. And whenever I saw one for real I couldn’t go within a certain distance. And then flower petals that looked like wings created the same fear so anywhere I had seen one I couldn’t step. And so I was sometimes literally climbing on stuff so I wouldn’t have to step on anywhere a flower petal had fallen in the last two years. Holy crap I’m glad my OCD got less severe with age. I had forgotten until now the time period when my head was so full of dead butterflies I couldn’t think of anything else. I only wish I’d known so much earlier that I had any control over… anything, at all, ever. I like butterflies. But there’s something about butterflies wings wide open flat like that. That reminds me too much of dead mounted butterflies. Inside everything in my entire being knew you can’t kill and collect a living being without hurting it. But I didn’t know I could avoid doing it. Didn’t know I could avoid just about anything I hated. No connections somewhere. And they used to land all over me. They trusted me. That makes it worse. Sorry for ruining pretty butterfly pictures though.

stilllifequickheart:

John White

Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly

1585-93

Terrifying.

Reminds me of being taught to kill butterflies and pin them to things and feeling all the while like I wanted to throw up but never realizing I had any choice in the matter.

And the swallowtail that flew into my dollhouse and died with its wings open. (Unless someone put it there. But if they did nobody admitted.)

Leading to a truly OCD level terror of dead butterflies until I felt as if they were everywhere and I was stepping on them and couldn’t get away from them. And whenever I saw one for real I couldn’t go within a certain distance. And then flower petals that looked like wings created the same fear so anywhere I had seen one I couldn’t step.

And so I was sometimes literally climbing on stuff so I wouldn’t have to step on anywhere a flower petal had fallen in the last two years.

Holy crap I’m glad my OCD got less severe with age. I had forgotten until now the time period when my head was so full of dead butterflies I couldn’t think of anything else.

I only wish I’d known so much earlier that I had any control over… anything, at all, ever.

I like butterflies. But there’s something about butterflies wings wide open flat like that. That reminds me too much of dead mounted butterflies.

Inside everything in my entire being knew you can’t kill and collect a living being without hurting it. But I didn’t know I could avoid doing it. Didn’t know I could avoid just about anything I hated. No connections somewhere.

And they used to land all over me. They trusted me. That makes it worse.

Sorry for ruining pretty butterfly pictures though.

Notes:
  1. cyan-roses reblogged this from savvydanger
  2. vladluxmauro reblogged this from luszubi
  3. luszubi reblogged this from jjmindmooch
  4. jjmindmooch reblogged this from myfuzzy1954posts
  5. contracognitive reblogged this from savvydanger
  6. myfuzzy1954posts reblogged this from ms-woodsworld
  7. medannaaaa reblogged this from savvydanger
  8. savvydanger reblogged this from ms-woodsworld
  9. colo--roxy reblogged this from ms-woodsworld
  10. ms-woodsworld reblogged this from ravenswing666
  11. gaburiera reblogged this from nature-and-culture
  12. worldscomedown reblogged this from alifelesslonely
  13. hada77 reblogged this from nature-and-culture
  14. alifelesslonely reblogged this from nature-and-culture
  15. nature-and-culture reblogged this from sutton15445
  16. ahremdc reblogged this from ohdarlingdankeschoen
  17. luurking reblogged this from ohdarlingdankeschoen
  18. abuanita reblogged this from jjmindmooch
  19. fifikoulini reblogged this from jjmindmooch
  20. ravenswing666 reblogged this from jjmindmooch
  21. sutton15445 reblogged this from ohdarlingdankeschoen
  22. rest-rustandstardust reblogged this from ohdarlingdankeschoen
  23. ohdarlingdankeschoen reblogged this from stilllifequickheart