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8:26pm October 1, 2013

I get so ashamed of myself sometimes.

As I was writing my first post today I had all these disjointed thoughts.

I know that I have too many friends or at least people who car even if they’re not friends to let me die easily. Even if the worst happens.

Oh also my feeding pumps are cheaper some places than I knew. Still out of my price range but possible with donations.

But also like

Why do I react as if I wouldn’t die of poverty eventually?

I’ve known for ages that I might.

I mean I lived in far less than I do now and

My medical expenses only get higher and…

Who the fuck do I think I am?

Do I think I’m different than everyone else in my position?

I mean I am in some ways. Because I have a lot of name recognition and support from my communities.

But also.

All that won’t eventually give me shit if the world goes to hell and everyone I know in these communities becomes in the same boat and

I’m sorry if I ever give the impression I’m better than anyone

Because I’m not

I only wish everyone had the community support I have

And I can’t possibly be grateful enough already because

I’m already alive when I might have died and

I don’t ever want to take that for granted

And everyone dies someday

Not that I’m giving up

I would never give up if there’s a fighting chance

But I also don’t want to be conceited

And act like I just deserve more than anyone else has

I think everyone deserves to be alive

That’s what I always have fought for

And that includes me but

Also everyone else.

I’m tired.  Because been wasting too much energy being scared.

And I don’t know when I acquired the ability to be scared in this way

From the idea it wouldn’t happen to me?

Because it’s not like I’m any different from anyone else

And lots of my government and society is plain evil

Especially to people exactly like me

So why is it hitting me hard now