3:06am October 11, 2013

My nightmares sometimes get very violent

And realistic. As in, the right degree of pain combined with adrenaline induced numbing for every single injury.  If I die, that’s done realistically too.

Tonight’s nightmares involved…

Being shot at, and actually shot. My mom was shot too. I told her to get up and run for help and she gave me this irritated look and said “But I’m SHOT” so I ended up shaking my head, running around, knowing I was losing blood, trying to get the neighbors to dial 911. But no ambulances arrived. Just cops and more cops. And I died without learning if anyone saved my mother.

And then another one I was running with my brother on the side of Highway 17 and people kept trying to run us off the road.  And then suddenly there was a flooding  river by the road and the road was crumbling into the river and I was trying to stay off the crumbling part.

And then this pissed off looking dude in a beat up Volkswagen bus started ramming me with his car. He rammed me all the way down a side street. Then I realized this was related to a dream I had years ago (my dreams do that, they drop off and pick up again).

And then the cops came and arrested ME and told me they were putting me in jail. And my brother was arguing with them so they picked him up too. Meanwhile they were fighting with the pissed off dude but not interested in arresting him, he was one of their relatives.

And I realized I was dreaming and told them “hey I’m dreaming so none of this is actually happening” and they got very angry.

So the violence in these dreams was, weird cross of realistic and cartoon or movie violence, but the feeling in my body as usual was frighteningly realistic. I woke up in pain but not the same kind.

Other times my violent painful nightmares are different. The involvement or lack thereof of family has no actual meaning… If the nightmare is set in California there will be family, if it’s not there won’t be unless we are on vacation together.

The more interesting part to me is when the violence turns bizarre. Like being chased down the road by a giant egg beater. The kind with the crank. Whirring around in circles. Being hit by that thing and ripped to shreds hurt like fuck. I don’t know why sometimes it’s cars and guns, other times is egg beaters, other times is science fiction type violence.

But it always hurts.  Plentifully. And the effect on my body and senses is always frighteningly realistic. Like why does my body know these experiences so well that it gets every little detail right? Like I look them up later and is accurate.

The scariest for accuracy is the nuclear dreams. Nuclear war or nuclear reactor accident.  I’ve had those dreams forever and had intense realistic sensations (and seen things in other victims if applicable) that I’ve only then heard of in obscure interviews with people who worked cleaning up Chernobyl, or survivors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  Sometimes I’ve had to dig through the records to find the exact thing but it’s always real. Always.

My only assumption is that I’m good at unintentionally picking up patterns in the world and that extends to patterns involving what different forms of violence feel like in your body, including radiation? Idk. It feels very personal and then I learn is actually what happens.  I knew how to tell that there was a tornado watch in effect from a dream about being homeless during a tornado and dying while hiding in a bus stop. But that at least make more sense because I bet humans like most animals have instincts for tornados. No such explanation for severe radiation…

I wish my dreams would be about something nice. I mean sometimes they are. But sometimes I don’t want to go back to sleep even though I’m tired because usually if my dreams are super violent they stay that way all night. Wake up go to sleep get immersed in the same old crap. Often in the same geographic area, and I rarely enjoy traveling to California in my sleep.

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