4:14am October 21, 2013

➸ "You don't need this junk. You need a cat.": Looooong rambling on fat and self-image stuff.

deducecanoe:

auti-stim:

deducecanoe:

auti-stim:

deducecanoe:

auti-stim:

deducecanoe:

auti-stim:

deducecanoe:

auti-stim:

deducecanoe:

auti-stim:

youneedacat:

…that most of the people who cyberbully me seem to love to take swipes at me about my weight.

I don’t know if it’s just that weight is an easy target that they think will make people more sympathetic to them and less sympathetic to me. Or what.

I still can’t believe that one guy who recently…

I am an inch shorter than you and weigh 193-195 lbs., so almost exactly the person you describe above that would look like you. I rarely get told anything about my weight to my face. I imagine it happens a lot behind my back, though. I did have an older middle aged couple beside me at a paid for ticketed event a few years ago and the woman, who was directly beside me, then her husband was on her other side at the end of the row. She got pissy because we were all standing and had apparently encroached too far into her space and she kept bitching at me like I controlled a row of people I didn’t know. She kept calling us all stupid fat people. I gave her the finger and told her to fuck off. They left early. I was pleased. But I have literally no idea what she thought would come of her calling us stupid fat people. Or maybe it was just at me since I was the only one who could hear her. What did she expect me to do, pull a plug and magically deflate? Or deflate the whole damn row so she could be queen of us all? She’d still have had to bitch at 200 something people in front of us to sit down. Heaven forbid people STAND at a concert and she didn’t like that, but I guess because she had a fat person beside her, and therefore her only outlet to try to verbally abuse, which was me, she had to vent her pissiness and I was an ideal target.

You know.. I really let kids get to me in school. I saw myself as a hideous blob. Throughout gradeschool and junior high I was chubby. I put on a litte more weight in high school, but I was twenty or thirty pounds overweight. That’s not even that much, really, in the grand scheme of things. now I am well over a hundred pounds overweight and I”m like… wtf. I thought I was FAT and HIDEOUS then? I am a blob now (in my own estimation) I’ve gone up, I’ve gone down… now I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life due to depression and health issues that leave me unable to exercise. at all. I got so torn up about my weight and the bullying I faced in school, and now I’m like… shit, I’d quit if I were that weight. I honestly feel like it’s out of my control (weight) and I don’ tknow what to do about it. I am seeing a pulmonologist so hopefully I can get back on my feet (literally) and at least get walking.

I honestly have SO many issues with my body right now. I don’t know how many of them are attached to my weight, and how many of them are the problems I have always had. (basicaly I keep trying to be a girl and I kinda suck at it) and the harassment from my family about everything I put in my mouth (and how they were the ones that bought the ‘bad’ food, etc) and how they told me no one would like me, or i would not be bullied any more, or I would never find anyone to love me if I was fat screwed me up. the physical, psychological and emotional bullying all the way up through school did not help. And now I don’t know how other see me or I see me. i dom’t know. I feel broken in a lot of ways >I don’t know if it’s intrinsic and part of my nature, or if other people broke me.

It bothers me when people (my partner in particular) say they are broken or fractured. I want to jump in and immediately refute it, especially to friends who I do not see that way, but I try not to because that is obviously how some people feel and I don’t want to negate their reality/experiences. Just. Saying that.

I appreciate that. When I hit 317 about 13 years ago, I swore I would never be that heavy again. When I got weighed on Friday at the pulmonologist I was 318. It was like… fuuuuuuuck.

I say blame clothing for that extra pound. But, ya know, just my own coping thing.

IDEK. I was about five pounds lighter two weeks ago when i went for my physical??? Oh well, I guess. I even followed the doctor’s directions of cutting out fried foods and I was more stringent about not eating between meals. i’m like… what the actual fuck. I think not being able to move without having an asthma attack is taking its toll. That and never getting a full night’s sleep. I used to just kind of push through it, even though I was dying, and keep walking or whatever, but my system has pretty much collapsed in the last two or three years. EVERYTHING sets me off. SNEEZING sets me off. No joke. I am now on THREE inhalers and a nebulizer. And I am having some issues with taking care of some things due to size. it’s frustrating.I mean, remembering to eat is one thing that’s tough. Remembering not to graze is another. remembering to take food with me, and remembering to eat it all in a 20 min period is tough. its’ like, wtf. And all my life I didn’t realize I was having panic attacks, and would do the self-soothing thing with food. And while i don’t do that as much now (it might be once or twice a week, instead of every day) I still have to watch out for it. My whole life seems to be annoying right now. And I work in a high school. So i feel like the kids’re judging me all the time. I have epic flashback to high school issues.

Three inhalers? And nebulizer? Good lord. No wonder you struggle with weight.

I will say this for the billionth time:

You can only push for so long. Your body and mind cannot take constant strain. Being autistic seems to lower that threshold and burn out is easier to hit. Maybe you’re close to that point, again?

Damn I hope not lol. I have been taking better care if myself. Unfortunately being a lazy sod seems to be part of that.

Me thinks your body needs it and us therefore not a lazy thing.

Ruler Auti-Stim has decreed this thing to be true.

Lol. Yeah. I know taking off weight will help with breathing. And other than doing super low cal again I don’t think I can loose weight until I can breathe a little better.

Definitely - save that shit until you can breathe.

As I just said in a post, I weighed less on junk food and running once or twice a week than I do now, eating much healthier but not deliberately exercising.

WTF BODY?!

Bodies are actively horrible sometimes.

PREACH! Also, to youneedacat, sorry to hijack your post.