11:04am October 29, 2013

Nearly every time I try to talk about what happened in the hospital last year…

…people seem to go completely silent.  Like I get likes and reblogs on everything else but I get the absolute fewest on posts about that, it seems like.

It makes me freak out.  Like I try not to measure how people feel about me by whether they click on my posts.  And I absolutely don’t want anyone to click on my posts because they feel guilty.  That just absolutely is not what I want whatsoever and it would freak me out if people did that.

But…

I keep worrying that people just don’t like it when I talk about that stuff.  Or that I’m supposed to be ~over it already~, even though I’m not even close to over it.  I seem to have some sort of PTSD-like reaction to it.

Like people seem to understand why I’d be upset about what happened this spring with the feeding tube.

But this fall was really awful in all kinds of ways and so many times I try to talk about it and hear absolute silence in return.

Maybe people just don’t have anything to say, or don’t know what to say.  Or maybe they’re not interested at all.  Or maybe they’re sick of me talking about it.  Or maybe they’re too upset by that from experiences of their own, and skip those posts.  I mean it could be a lot of things.  But my mind goes straight to “Nobody likes it when you talk about stuff that’s upsetting to you.”  And “People like what you write, but they don’t like dealing with YOU as a messy actual human being.”  Which I KNOW can’t fully be true, but… ugh.

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