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12:15am November 25, 2013

@youneedacat

madeofpatterns:

youneedacat:

madeofpatterns:

Something in your words pattern is alarming me; are you ok?

Specifically, are you being triggered into wordsing when you shouldn’t?

Probably.

I’m really exhausted.

And I’m trying to say things I don’t know how to say.

And … I don’t even know what I’m doing.  I’m sitting up at night listening to the Cocteau Twins (trying, even, to create a playlist) and being in a lot of pain and trying to respond to things because it feels like communication, but then, getting twisted up in stuff sometimes.

There’s a cat here though.

And my entire back is on fire for some reason.

I’m kind of adrift in some way.  Like I don’t really know where my mind is going, I don’t really know why I’m doing one thing and not another thing, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing in the first place.

And I think I was just doing things in order to do them, in order to feel connected to something out there in the world.

Thank you for caring.  It means a lot.

I am concerned that you might be using emergency reserves in order to say these things.

But saying these things really isn’t an emergency. It’s… it’s not going to go away, the conversation and the underlying stuff and the shapes will still be there, you don’t have to run yourself into the ground to talk about them *now*.

Holy crap you may be right.

I had no idea.

Now that i’m slowing down and stopping and getting a look at the situation.

I don’t understand how I couldn’t see there were problems.

Feel almost near collapse, it’s weird.

There’s no reason.

Oh except.  Was trying hard, all day, to do something very hard for me in general.

And almost lost my computer twice, because software updates were making it not boot.

Now i think my brain doesn’t want to boot, but I don’t know what to do with it.