11:08pm November 26, 2013

(not poetry, just bite-sized communication for tiny mind-mouth)

my mind is blipping

not like I’m seeing anything that isn’t there

but in my mind I am

like little square-shaped pieces of the real world have been eliminated

and replaced by little square-shaped pieces of unreality

very tidy

and it’s from that THING that happened in that last conversation

I need to drop a bunch of higher thinking things

if I drop them out then this will dwindle more

see the real world again

not ideas and ideologies and demands and squares and squares and squares of things that don’t exist or do exist but in the wrong place

every time I close my eyes, another square:

a red circle flashing

an electronic device in my bed that isn’t there

these are not actual like real-world hallucinations

they’re more like mental glitches

I don’t see them

I just think them

because everything has gone scrambled

and another glitch, where a thing flashed in my head and my leg twitched

this is what happens

this is what happens when

I enter conversations

that my brain can’t handle

not because of the content

but because

invisible form-thing

that can’t be described

like a framework outside of me outside of you outside of anyone

pushing the thoughts into a tidy alignment

that thing, it’s poison

it does this to me

I can’t do it

I shouldn’t do it

I do it because I get thinking this is the only way to communicate

but then this happens

with flashy everywhere

shapes that shouldn’t exist

and interfere with connections

connections between thought and thought

connections between body part and body part

messing up connection to my leg right then in a triangular fashion

these things have no translation into words

but they mean things

and other people I know, sometimes know what I mean

when I talk about them

like each thing I say has exact meaning

that can be understood if you notice same things

so this is a real thing

just has no language around it

so hard to translate

I feel bad because

the person was pleading with me

not to hurt them

and I couldn’t

because I can’t do this

so I tried to explain

and then this happened

this what happen

when step out of my territory

because feel obligated

but that’s the worst thing I can do

it helps nobody

to watch everything disintegrate

because I strayed off the narrow territory

that I can function in

it helps nobody

not me

not you

not whoever I replied to

not anyone

It all comes back to

posted about it years ago:

people assume competence

because I don’t step out of

a really narrow space

where I’m competent.

But.

If I step out of that narrow territory

or if I overdo things

or… lots of things lil ethat?

then I turn into pieces

like this

like something interfere

between me and me

like I don’t know

like drifting in space

in pieces

like nothing makes sense

nothing makes sense

where is the bottom of my right leg

where is the side of my left arm

stop stop stop doing this

things flashing in my head (mostly triangles/squares)

and drifting in this blankness filled with flashy things

I want you to see this.

I want you to know this happens.

I want you to know what lies beyond the boundaries of my mental territory.

And how fast it can take over.

it’s really important to me.

every time I close my eyes it’s like flash flash drift drift where am I

even just for a second

don’t make me go here

don’t ever make me go here

this is not my home

I want to go back

to where I belong.

Not this mind-debris

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE

this is what happens

when you step into those weird shapes

for the sake of having a conversation

that won’t ever work no matter what you say

because people will agree with you and do awful things

and people will disagree with you and do awful things

and it will just be awful

no matter what

besides the cost to my brain

please brain go back to normal

i need the real world

not disconnected fragmented everything

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