as small as a world and as large as alone

9:46pm December 1, 2013

madeofpatterns:

youneedacat said: Yes absolutely this. Also they don’t grasp that intent does matter, it just doesn’t mean no harm was done. But it does, absolutely, matter. (And sometimes the intent of those they are flinging this at matters more than their own intent.)

Yes, intent always matters.

And, to use that metaphor…

If someone is standing on my foot, it absolutely matters whether they are intentionally stomping it or just tripped or are not understanding that my foot is there.

And if I’m accusing people of stomping on me when they’re actually tripping, it *matters that I’m wrong*.

Yes.

I know someone who remembers when “intent isn’t magic” became popular, and it signaled a sharp turn towards some really nasty ways of behaving towards people.

Because somehow people started saying that intent didn’t matter at all.

That if someone was hurt, it didn’t matter why they were hurt.

Like, I know someone who actually ran around screaming at anyone who even slightly accidentally bumped into her, accusing them of deliberately bullying and abusing her.  Like for real, not a metaphor.  And I’m talking about situations where it’s hard not to brush up against people, like in crowded elevators. 

And nobody wanted to be around her.  And she got treated like shit because she was treating other people like shit.  And then she became convinced that everyone was picking on her for being disabled.  When it was really more like, she was picking fights with people (using a lot of excuses, but that’s definitely what she was doing) until some of them fought back.  She got herself thrown out of some places permanently for doing this to people.

And that’s what happens in the real world when you act like intent doesn’t matter and accidentally brushing against you is the same thing as bumping into you maliciously and on purpose.  And react accordingly.  It doesn’t work.  It’s a good way to become hated and shunned, because people don’t like being accused of deliberately abusing people that they accidentally bumped into.

And yet this is like… people expect the same sort of behavior to WORK in other contexts.  Like yes, being bumped into can hurt.  Sometimes a lot, sometimes for a long time, if you have certain nerve conditions like I have.  But it’s not usually intentional, and it’s usually obvious when it is intentional.  And treating intentionally hurting people the same as accidentally hurting people, just because both hurt people, doesn’t work.  Like the reason doesn’t change the fact that it physically hurts.  But the reason does change the degree to which it emotionally hurts.  And the reason does change what can be done about it, and how serious the situation is.

And you just can't do that kind of thing in the ordinary world without people recognizing it as seriously fucked up and then deciding they want nothing to do with you.  Or worse, starting to deliberately hurt you because you’ve pissed them off considerably.

And yet people expect it to work differently in these instances.

And yes, there are instances where the hurt is more severe and you do have to do something about the situation, even if it’s accidental.  And there are circumstances where you can be punished for negligence if you accidentally hurt someone badly enough.  But even in those circumstances, intent is taken into account, even if you still have to take action to stop the problem from happening, or prevent it from happening again.

It’s convenient to believe intent doesn’t matter at all, though, because then you can focus only on yourself being hurt, and not on any of the complexities of the situation.

And yes, people do lie about their intent sometimes.  Or they’re mistaken about their own intent, because they don’t want to look beneath the surface and see what their real motivations are.  But I guarantee you nobody was bullying that woman by brushing against her in the elevator. 

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