10:55am December 9, 2013

Request for my sanity buddies

madeofpatterns:

youneedacat:

madeofpatterns:

wackyshenanigans:

madeofpatterns:

wackyshenanigans:

madeofpatterns:

Please remind me that I have good reasons for blocking triggering people.

*hugs* You have very good reasons. (And you don’t need good reasons. You can block anybody for any reason, because blocking isn’t an act of aggression. But you have good reasons, anyway.)

Part of me is afraid that I’m just pathologically adverse to criticism. I don’t think that’s actually the problem though.

1. That’s not true. I have seen you apologise for things and admit fault in ways which were obviously meaningful and difficult.

2. Even if it were true, removing yourself from this specific situation and calming down would still be the best idea. Because staying in the situation wouldn’t help.

Also what these guys are doing isn’t criticism. It’s something else.

I don’t know what the situation is, but you have every right to block triggering people.  Anyone has a right to block anyone they feel triggered by.  Nobody is obligated to read any other person’s words, and you don’t need a “good reason”.

Sometimes you (general-you) understand when things apply to others, but you don’t understand when things apply to yourself.  If that’s happening, then remember that you and I have both made posts saying that we won’t get offended if anyone blocks us because we trigger them or are just unpleasant for them to read.  The reason we aren’t offended if others do it, is the same reason we shouldn’t feel guilty if we have to do it.

I do it all the time.  I’ve done it with people I really, really like and care about, but simply can’t read at that moment for any of a wide variety of reasons.  (One of my big ones is that if I read too much of a certain style of writing, I get sucked into an entire way of thinking that’s both foreign and harmful to my brain.  Some people I really like and care about both write and reblog that kind of writing all the time.  So I’ve had to do a thing where I unfollow them (not generally block them, but I’d block someone if I had to), and then come back and read them manually when I feel up to it.  I’ve always hoped they wouldn’t feel that it was them I was rejecting.

But I get the feeling that whatever situation you’re dealing with isn’t as benign as that.  Usually the only reason you might have to block someone for benign reasons is as an extra measure for self-control in not reading them.  And this doesn’t sound like that kind of situation.

Even if you do have a horrible problem with criticism (and only you can really know that), you still hvae no obligation to listen to something if you can’t handle it at the moment.  Moreover, in the heat of the moment when you are triggered is not the time to work out whether you’ve got a horrible aversion to criticism.  You can only work that sort of thing out when you’re not afraid to take a good hard look at yourself.  When you’re triggered, there’s too much cognitive and emotional noise in the way to see that kind of thing clearly.  You’ll have too many false ideas flooding your head, none of them useful.

It’s possible, by the way, to have a strong aversion to criticism and also, at other times, accept criticism well and make apologies.  That’s true of me.  It’s not exactly criticism I’m averse to.  It’s not being… validated, in a certain way, in my opinions.  And that’s a problem, both for me and for others affected by my reactions to that.  But I also am sometimes quite able to accept criticism and apologize and change what I’m doing accordingly, even when it’s quite difficult.  That kind of situation isn’t either/or because people have complex motivations.  Sometimes one outweighs another.

But.

People — and your own fears — will use the “you can’t take criticism or disagreement” line on you to try to make you accept things you don’t have to accept.  I’ve been in situations where people were saying horrible things about me — not criticism, closer to defamation.  And when I was unhappy with it, even triggered by it, they’d run around telling people “She won’t accept disagreement!”  It’s a manipulative thing to do to someone.  And even if nobody outside of you is currently manipulating you that way, it’s quite possible for your own fears to manipulate you that way, especially if the fears are outgrowths of things people have done to you in the past.  (Many triggers work that way.)

Anyway, if what you’re dealing with isn’t true criticism, but something different, then whether you have a problem with accepting criticism is even less relevant to the situation at hand.

The bottom line is, whatever the situation, and whatever your faults, you have no obligation to read anything written by anyone.

Apologies for the vagueness of my reply, but since I don’t know the situation you’re in, I can’t comment on it specifically.  But maybe that’s a good thing, because the things I am talking about apply regardless of situation.  If I did know, I might comment too much on the specific situation and not on the bigger reality that the situation isn’t the point.

I hope this helps.

Agreed with all of this (including that I think I have the same problem you have WRT validation.)

The situation I’m in is that a couple of people sent me irate asks about why I block a few people. One of the people I block is the one you got into a fight with last time about whether it’s ok to call institutions institutions.

It is really important that I not engage with people who have the effects those people had on us last time.

Oh good grief.  It’s nobody’s business who you block or why.  That’s not criticism, that’s an attempt to get past your barriers, by people who think that their agenda (whatever it is) is more important than your sanity.  They should be ignored completely.  It’s possible that they are the same people you’ve blocked, or else friends of theirs, or else people who hold the same opinions.  And at any rate, they’re probably people who feel like they have a right to interact with you when you don’t want to interact with them.  And that’s obnoxious, rude, intrusive, and wrong all over.

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