Theme
11:39am December 27, 2013

@youneedacat

madeofpatterns:

I agree that feeling like you have no right to disengage with someone is a MAJOR red flag (unless they are your child or something). I actually have a policy of immediately unfollowing people I feel that way about.

What I experience is also…

I feel like a draw to stay.  Not just “I have no right to disengage”, but also “I must stay, I have no reason to stay, but I must stay, I have to, I have to.”  And every time I try to get away I somehow find myself back again and I don’t know how it happened.

It’s really terrifying.

It feels like I’ve been conditioned to, when approached by a certain kind of person, just do the equivalent of dropping all defenses, lying down on the floor, and doing nothing at all, no matter what they do to me.

And it scares the shit out of me even as it’s happening.  Yet at the same time the fear gets dulled.

It’s kind of like being under the Imperius curse?  Where your mind wants to go empty and feel like there’s nothing to worry about and nothing wrong at all, and just wants to slide into this blank but vaguely blissful state.

And that’s really, really bad news.  It’s like I’ve been taught to become passive around the last kind of person you want to become passive around, and it takes every bit of willpower I have to break free of it.