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1:43am January 2, 2014

So I should have a new computer in a couple weeks.

And I’m kind of scared because significant new object coming into my house. Which sometimes feels uncomfortable and strange. Like… Not sure how to explain. Sometimes I handle it okay. OTOH one time my mom sent me a bunch of holiday gifts and I put them on the other end of my apartment and hid under the bed all day long.

Also scared because you never know how well a new computer will work. Sometimes you open the box and it works great. Sometimes you open the box and it’s completely defective.

The person getting it for me has told me that I shouldn’t feel bad, he’s a computer professional and he’s done similarly unsettling things to computers. I just feel horribly guilty destroying a $1000 piece of electronics. And scared that I’ll destroy it some other way again as soon as I get it. I’m going to be really nervous for a long time.

But also excited. Because it’s going to be up to date, I’ll be able to update the software without it making the computer unbootable, it will have new features I’ve probably never heard of, etc. I’m going to be reading up on it and looking into it and stuff.

Plus it really is my main communication device for things I have to type, so I’ll have that back again.

Also feel really lucky to know someone who could replace it and alleviate my deep-seated OH SHIT I’LL NEVER HAVE A NICE COMPUTER AGAIN response. But also, as when I got the original one (from the same person), heavily heavily obligated to take care of the computer to the maximum extent possible. Which I think is why I feel guilty that I destroyed the last one.

I never feel good having to ask for things, or get things, like this from other people. I don’t mean I’m not grateful. I just mean.. I don’t know how to say it. I’m sure anyone who’s had to ask for significant financial help knows what I mean.

But ever since our family’s first Amiga 1000, and then our 286, and so on, I’ve never been able to not be excited about a computer. (We had a VIC-20 too but I was too young to notice when we first bought it.)