11:38am February 10, 2014

I can’t believe this.

So… okay, years and years ago, when asked to take a science requirement in college, I took chemistry. I took chemistry because my brother was really, really good at it, and I was unsure what to take, so I thought maybe I’d be good at it too. And I wasn’t. I seriously wasn’t.

It started out almost comprehensible, and then it went over my head so fast that I never caught up again. I could manage the labs, but the theory was way over my head to the point it seemed almost pointless studying. But I did study. I studied my ass off. Only for my professor to tell my parents that I was probably goofing off rather than studying because that’s the only reason a person could possibly do badly at chemistry.

I still have a copy of my midterm report card, which I now find pretty funny: He says “The situation is not yet hopeless, but it is approaching dire.” By the end of the term my labs pulled my grade up to a D-, but I still failed the class.

This despite studying more than I’d ever studied in my life. I studied all the time, day and night, hoping it would make more sense. My roommate made me drop the next chemistry class I took when she found me staring at my textbook and crying.

Anyway.

I couldn’t really find a lot of interesting Coursera classes to take around now, and I’m still continuing my quest to keep my mind sharp and help myself recover from delirium-induced brain damage by taking classes there. Chemistry doesn’t really interest me all that much, but it was one of the only classes at the moment that wasn’t actively uninteresting. So I decided to take it.

This professor goes out of her way to explain things. She’s clearly very good at her subject, and very enthusiastic. But where my last chemistry teacher turned his enthusiasm for chemistry into a private club where only premed students, chem majors, and A and B students had a place, this one makes analogy after analogy until you understand things that you may not have understood otherwise.

And so far? I’ve taken three quizzes. I got 85% on the first, 100% on the second, and 100% on the third. (I should’ve gotten 91% on the third, but there was one lucky multiple choice answer where I guessed at random and guessed right. Everything else, both multiple choice and otherwise, I did through my own work.) Not bad considering that my expectations of this class were that I’d be happy to leave with a D+.

But it’s more than grades. My mind is getting sharper. And I hate to say it but it’s not just the delirium that’s made it get pretty dull all these years. It was partly that I was getting almost lazy. Not that I wasn’t working with it, but that I wasn’t doing anything with it that makes your mind actually have to focus, hone its skills, and work in the way that science and math do. There’s a very particular kind of mental acuity that those subjects require, that I’ve been neglecting for a long time despite the fact that I really enjoy science.

And partly that was because of my spectacular burnout last time I tried college – much later than the chemistry fiasco. I’d assumed that since college wasn’t the place for me, then this kind of intellectual stimulation wasn’t either.

And I was completely wrong.

And it’s actually pretty exhilarating to be using parts of my mind that I haven’t been able to use in a long time. In fact I’m not sure I’ve ever used these parts of my mind properly – because in the past, I didn’t use acuity so much as brute force when it came to intellect, and there’s a big difference.

All of this is very important to my recovery from delirium, too. The longer you retain cognitive problems after delirium, the worse your chances are at a good medical outcome. So this isn’t a trivial matter or something I’m just doing because it’s fun.

But it is surprisingly fun. I didn’t know I’d ever find chemistry fun, but this is. And the sense of mental clarity is amazing, it’s like my mind becomes sharp and clear and focused in a way I’m not sure it’s ever been in my life.