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2:33am March 13, 2014

I need fire.

I don’t know why for so long I was sort of trying not to identify with fire, even though in my natural state I practically have fire coming out my ears.

Maybe it’s that I felt more comfortable saying I was mostly earth and water, letting air and fire be something else.

Maybe it’s that a really distorted kind of fire and air are what most people see me as, they don’t see me as either the earth and water at my core, or as the actual versions of fire and air that exist in me.

I’d recently discovered I need air.  I need, in particular, the ability to think clearly and logically.  The kind of thinking you use for science and math.  Not the kind of frenetic intellect that I had such a hard time sustaining as a child.  Something quieter.

But fire… I didn’t want fire.

Until I realized that I had a problem that only fire could solve.

And I reached inside of myself.

And I found that fire.

And now that fire is burning its way out from the center into the rest of me, as bright as the sun.

I’d associated fire with the kind of anger problem I used to have, and thought it was good riddance when the anger problem disappeared, but the fire went into hiding at the same time.

But fire isn’t about anger.

Fire is about vitality and passion.

And coincidentally, right as I was reaching inside myself for that fire, I was also going onto steroids for adrenal insufficiency.  And the adrenal insufficiency has, for roughly six years, muted my ability to feel the fire that’s always been there.

And when I went onto the steroids, the fire came back, only this time it was beautiful, not destructive.  It was beautiful and it was life coursing through me, and it was a sensual appreciation of everything around me, and it was everything I’d lost.

And that fire gave me a backbone I hadn’t had, and a strength, and a focus.

I was wrong, before.

Because I need that fire.