as small as a world and as large as alone

9:52am April 8, 2014

nicocoer:

raygender:

do other autistic people have the experience of having impulses but not doing anything about them, just by default, because the connection between “impulse” and “actually doing the thing” just never goes through

Yes. It is visualized in my brain as a gas oven with an electric starter- the gas is there, and the switch is clicking- I can hear it- but the spark just won’t ignite. 

I also have had a thing in the past several years, maybe related to my movement disorder.  It used to be I had this compulsive stimming and ticking going on most of the time.  But after a certain health crash it got really weird.

I’d feel all the movements trying to happen in my head.

I’d feel them almost as distinct as if they were really happening.

I could feel the exact movement, the exact place in my body.

But it never connected.

My body just didn’t move.

It was really weird.

After years of that, the impulses slowly died down until they were practically nonexistent.

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