5:36am May 1, 2014

I think part of the thing getting to me.

youneedacat:

Is that you can’t live with the knowledge that your lifespan is likely to be drastically reduced, and then see death getting closer and closer. And then, when pulled out of the way of death, and put in a position where you might easily live to be eighty, suddenly be fine and normal and everything’s okay. (Which, yes, does remind me of stuff Harriet Johnson has said. Although her experience was different because she was expecting to die young from the time she was five years old.)

And also it’s very hard for me to break out of this programming that tells me that to even talk about how bad it was is to be overly dramatic and worry people and I shouldn’t do that. Like the only reason I can talk about it right now, to the extent that I have, is that it’s better. If things got that bad again I’m not sure I could publicly state how bad they were, unless they got better again.

And I’m not even sure that makes sense.

I feel like I’ve seen that pattern in your writing and presence here, a lot.

Like… you’re writing the things. In a way that’s different. Like, normally if you were writing this much I’d be really, REALLY worried about you. And now I am not worried because you can because cortisol.

But that’s not normal for you anymore, it’s like, a new thing? So you don’t have patterns of habitual action, or something?

(That’s not what reminded me of too late to die young BTW)

There is something wrong tonight.

I’m in a lot of pain. I’ve been trying to go off of one of my medications (Trileptal). And I think it might be a mistake. I thought since it was sort-of duplicated by Lyrica, then maybe I could get away with reducing it. And I was doing fine. But then I started reducing it another notch two days ago, and now I’m in pretty bad nerve pain, which isn’t normal for me at all these days. And that always makes me overdo things to compensate, in a way.

I’m going to have to think of going back up on the dose for a bit and seeing if that changes anything. I really hope I can go off it though, because I feel like the poster child for polypharmacy and that’s just another good way to get myself killed. Which, if I can actually avoid, I would like to avoid. Plus, it may be affecting my liver, and I wanted to see if going down on it could make things better.

But the volume of posts today is also because I was writing a lot for BADD.

So it’s both things.

It only started going off the rails about two or three hours ago.

But I’m not going to overdo things to such a huge extent that horrible things are going to happen to me, I think.

I’m still working out where the limits are, and it’s confusing.

Notes: