4:00am May 2, 2014

➸ I think part of the thing getting to me.

youneedacat:

Is that you can’t live with the knowledge that your lifespan is likely to be drastically reduced, and then see death getting closer and closer. And then, when pulled out of the way of death, and put in a position where you might easily live to be eighty, suddenly be fine and normal and…

Well FWIW seeing you on video chat right before one of the major hospitalizations you’ve had over the past couple years will *never* be erased from my brain. I was terrified that you were going to stop breathing and die right in front of me and there would be nothing I could do about it. I don’t even know if you remember this but basically all I did in that conversation was tell you you needed to go to the hospital. And I am glad that is what happened because good grief.

In short, if anyone ever tries to act like you are being dramatic or exaggerating how sick you were…they are welcome to talk to me about it. Because even as a non-doctor it was horrifyingly apparent what a person having a serious medical emergency looks like. :/

I think I remember it.

I remember not having the energy to be scared.

And I remember death in the room, shining very bright.

And I remember that this is the time that my doctor thinks I should’ve been in the ICU.

So yeah.

Notes: