7:33pm May 15, 2014

So I got my MRI yesterday.

And I’m finding myself uncharacteristically nervous about awaiting the results.  Because I don’t really know what results would be better.

They’re looking primarily at my pituitary gland.  They’re looking for any defect, bleed, or tumor that could explain why my pituitary gland is not making ACTH, thereby causing my adrenal insufficiency.

Part of me wants them to find something, because then we’ll know exactly what is happening.  I like knowing exactly what is happening.  I decided early on that if finding out exactly what is happening means finding out I have a brain tumor, then I’d rather know.

On the other hand, most of the things they would find, including a brain tumor, would not be things they could do anything about.  Pituitary tumors are almost never cancerous, and almost never operated on.  So if I had one, I’d basically have to just get it looked at over and over.  Still the words “brain tumor” are scary, even if pituitary tumors are among the best brain tumors to have.

I still wonder if I caused this myself, by my repeated head-banging over the years.

And there’s a possibility it’s a bleed of some kind, although they said it would likely not be a bad one.

It’s also possible it’s a problem in my hypothalamus, not my pituitary at all, which is apparently extremely rare.  But then my family seems to go in for extremely rare, so I wouldn’t put anything beyond my body.

Anyway, I’m finding myself quite anxious.  Not exactly anxious about the outcomes, but anxious to know one way or the other what is happening.  And wondering whether I’d rather know something blatant, or be left never knowing the cause.  I kind of vaguely want to know.  I think.

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