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3:12pm May 17, 2014

It also scares me sometimes how fast people seem to agree with me.

feliscorvus:

youneedacat:

Maybe I’m just scared of everything, sometimes.

I can see how fast agreement could be scary. Because you don’t necessarily know if the person is agreeing with you for good reasons, or because they might have mis-interpreted something you wrote as something else. And the people who do the second thing have a tendency to flip out later on if you deviate from their initial interpretation.

Yeah it’s also like sometimes I still get scared if it’s like…

…fear of disagreeing with someone seen as having less privilege.  Because even though that’s not something anyone talks about, and even though it’s not supposed to work like that, it happens all the time.  It doesn’t get rid of the lack of privilege, but it happens.

And also because I’m probably still seen as a leader.  I never asked to be a leader, but it happened, and people have made it clear to me (as in, made it absolutely explicit in plain English, not hinting) that I have no choice in the matter and this is how some people see me and I can’t do anything about it.  And so I get worried that people will agree with me because they think of me that way, and not because they would agree with me otherwise.

Or worse, if they’re afraid of me getting pissed at them.

And I feel like even to say any of this out loud sounds egotistical, but I swear I don’t mean it like that.  It’s like… Donna Williams once said that she’d grown up a nobody nowhere, and then before she knew it she was a somebody somewhere, and now she just wanted to be an anybody anywhere.  And her friend said “I don’t know how to tell you this but you blew that in a big way.”

None of these are things I can change.  And I’m feeling very scattered and irrational and random today, and I can't wait to lower my dose of steroids because I know I’m irrational but I can’t stop myself from worrying about stupid shit.

But I do hope that nobody is agreeing with me because they feel like they have to.  Because that makes me feel really guilty even if it’s not exactly my doing.