3:12am May 18, 2014

➸ There's a difference in philosophy, sometimes.

youneedacat:

patternsmaybe:

youneedacat:

patternsmaybe:

youneedacat:

I apologize in advance for how long this is. I wouldn’t be able to read it, myself. I often can’t read what I can write. But I can’t make things concise, it’s part of my language problems. So anyway…

I’m going to use mental age as an example.

DD people, regardless of diagnosis or IQ, are…

I agree with you, but I’m also finding your recent posts alarming.

I don’t know words for it but you seem… stuck somewhere? Stuck in terror and rage and words. Imprecise. Not quite what I mean. But approximate.

I’m worried about you. Am I reading this right? Can I help you?

You’re reading this right.

That’s why I’ve said, things are going wrong, things are not under my control, they’re not… working, I feel sideways. And I think a lot of it is due to having a cold combined with being on a very high dose of steroids, it mangles my brain in really unpleasant ways, and I can feel that it’s wrong but I can’t escape it. I feel like I’m sideways and at an angle to reality and I can’t get out.

I don’t know what you can do to help. Right now I’m trying to concentrate a lot on crocheting and sewing. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me halfway in reality, and especially in sensory reality rather than idea reality. I need more sensory reality. I need less jangly shit bouncing around my brain driving me crazy.

Also prayer. I could pray for you if that would be welcome — I know we believe different things though, so I don’t want to impose.

Prayer is fine. Not an imposition at all.

And thank you for noticing and being concerned. A lot of people can’t tell when I’ve gotten like this. I think what’s throwing me for a loop is the combination of being sick, and being on more steroids for being sick. Like either one alone could be a problem but together it creates this really strange reality-warpage. And my brain is just kind of frenetic but also loose and dangly and it’s not a good combination.

The way I really want to respond to this is sensory.

I want to make you a spiral thing with my pattern blocks and the kind of moving with them that is real and is a conversation. The thing that can’t really be described in words.

triangle diamond diamond diamond square square fingerwave head tilt sounds rock rock rock square square lines texture smooth green wood triangle triangle

But it’s real. You’re real. You know what’s real. Even if right now everything is… confusing-rage-words-fear.