12:33am May 24, 2014

So at the courthouse…

youneedacat:

patternsmaybe:

youneedacat:

patternsmaybe:

youneedacat:

I was using my iPad to communicate, because I didn’t want to lug an entire heavy computer up the hill with me.

And as I was typing, the woman behind the desk did that thing.

She turned to my case manager and said:

“Oh wow it’s so amazing that she has a thing like that. I mean I’ve seen things where you talk and the computer writes words. But I’ve never seen this. And think what it would be like if she didn’t have this. It’s so wonderful for her that this technology is available these days. She certainly uses it so well.”

And on. And on. And on.

I ignored it, I didn’t have the energy to deal with it.

I’ve been trying for a long time to write about why people have to ignore things and can’t fight it every time.

Someone’s going to give a particular annoying response to this post. Trying to figure out how to describe that thing and why not that thing.

You’re right. I can’t fight it every time. In fact, I can’t fight it most of the time.

There was a time I felt morally obligated to fight it every time, and it not only didn’t work, but it fucked with my personality really badly, and not in a good way. I kind of turned into an asshole. And it wasn’t that I was an asshole because I was speaking out when people did bad things. It was something else, and I don’t know the words to describe how it works.

I’ve been trying to find words for it. It’s hard to describe.

I think - the only way you can fight every time is by relying on rage. And by having a hair trigger for the rage.

Which means that it becomes impossible to actually judge situations. And then you become rage!attacky whenever someone annoys you.

Something like that I think

Yes that’s very much what it was like.

I wish I could fight things every time. I really really do. But a lot of times I just don’t have the spoons. Or I can see that fighting would be futile. Or I have to keep quiet and play the system in order to keep my freedom to do things and live life the way I want/need.

You can’t fight things every time. You just. Can’t.

And even if I could, I’m not sure I would.

I don’t want my entire life to consist of a fight. I encounter ableism (among other things, but ableism is by far the worst of it usually) in virtually every encounter with strangers and many encounters with people I already know. If I fought it every time, I’d have no rest from being a walking weapon.

Notes: