as small as a world and as large as alone

8:51am May 24, 2014

andromedalogic:

uselessbodyclub:

Ok really if you see rhetoric like “examine why you don’t want to sleep with this person” as anything less than manipulative and rapacious, you need to step back.

People’s boundaries are not a debate club. Someone’s “no” is not the beginning of a political, intellectual, or interpersonal negotiation—it is the end; it is the final word, the only respectful response to which is acceptance.

this rhetoric isn’t always an attack on someone’s boundaries, though.

like, obviously if person A is hitting on person B, and person B rejects them, and then person A starts in with ‘but consider why you don’t want to sleep with me,’ person A is being manipulative and dangerous.

but what if person A accepts the ‘no’ graciously, and ceases to bother person B — but they suspect that B rejected them for a very specific reason, due to prejudice of some sort? like, they can tell from the interaction that person B was disgusted by the idea of being with someone of a certain race, or someone obviously disabled, or someone visibly trans.

and so person A goes home and makes an annoyed blog post about how they can tell everyone rejects them for this reason. which is an unfair reason. and they wish that people could examine why they are so reluctant to have any attraction to people like A, in general. theoretical people. an entire group of people.

that’s different. i don’t think it acts as pressure on anyone if it’s a request to just think about it.

if you bring up these larger societal issues in a direct interaction with someone as a way to pressure them into dating you, you’re an asshole. but if you just bring them up, there is not necessarily a manipulative aspect there.

i’ve been a victim of pervasive sexual harassment and sexual assault. i’ve also seen a lot of posts and essays and stuff that say, for example, ‘ok, but why do white people automatically see so many black people as undesirable?’ and i don’t feel pressured by that. i’ve made posts myself about my frustration with being desexualized, and how people consistently refuse to see me as a sexual being. yet those same people have sexually harassed me.

and that’s the thing. that’s why i think conflating these two situations — saying ‘but why won’t anyone even consider someone like me as a partner’, vs. using that rhetoric to coerce someone — is dangerous. it’s disingenuous to pretend they’re the same thing.

because honestly, the people who see me as most inherently non-sexual, as impossible to ever be attracted to, as undesirable and ludicrous — these are the people who think it’s most reasonable to violate me. because if i’m unfuckable, then my consent doesn’t matter. then they can do anything to me and it’s funny and meaningless, because who would ever be attracted to me, ha ha. they can assault me ironically.

and we have to take that into account.

Yeah, that’s pretty much how I see it.  There’s a definite difference between essentially demanding that people sleep with you, and asking people to examine why they’re just somehow magically never attracted to [disabled people, trans people, PoC, etc.] except in gross fetishized ways.

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