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1:41pm May 25, 2014
Taken because I’m trying to feel better about being fat. I’ll probably always be fat unless I get some kind of illness that causes me to drop even more weight (I’ve already rapidly lost 70 pounds from gastroparesis and adrenal insufficiency, and no that’s not a good thing). The way I see it, my family comes from a long line of survivors, and the way poor people survive the hunger that often comes with poverty is by storing a lot of fat really easily. My family has been poor for generations (my generation was a temporary fluke) and most of us are well adapted to low food conditions. So being fat is a sign that my genes are trying to help me survive. The fact that I can be on tube feedings of roughly 1200 calories a day, exercise regularly, and still be fat, tells me that this is just how I’m built. And honestly I should be thankful for it. I have a good friend that wouldn’t have survived the drastic weight loss I experienced, to the point I really fear for her if she ever gets an illness that causes weight loss. She doesn’t have seventy pounds to lose. I could have still died from starvation before I ever became thin. But she would have died for sure in those circumstances. So my fat has helped me survive, I should not hate it. Some days I’m really good at it. I can look at myself and see that like most of my family I have a stocky, fat build. Everyone in my family has a similar build. This is not automatically bad, it means we are built to survive famine and sickness and other things that can cause you to not get enough food. I can look at myself and see generations of people whose bodies found a way to survive. Other days I look at myself and I only see me how the world sees me. I see the people who say I should just starve rather than get a feeding tube because fat people don’t need to eat or something. I see every comment everyone has ever made about my stomach or my arms. I see everyone who’s ever told me to go on a diet or to exercise or that I must be lazy and eating donuts all day, even when I ate healthier than the people who told me that. And I have to weigh myself, and I worry. I have to weigh myself because it shows changes in my medical condition. But it makes me afraid of gaining weight. I end up happy every time the scales says 178 or less, scared when it’s 180 or more. Even though I know all about why being fat is the least of my problems. Some days I can see myself as beautiful, I can see my short fat hairy build as something unique and cool. Other days I just remember reading people saying they vomit whenever they look at a fat person, and I keep wondering why would someone vomit just from seeing another human being, do they have any idea how that makes us feel. But people don’t care. Or they care too much, they yammer on about concern for our health when what they really want to do is spew bigotry. Today though I feel awesome about being fat. I look in the mirror at this picture I took, and I see the generations of stocky-built people who came before me, and I love it all. I wish I could feel like this about myself all the time. Hostile responses or concern trolling about “health” will get you put on ignore faster than you would believe. Don’t bother. My health problems cause weight LOSS, and that’s my main worry at the moment.

Taken because I’m trying to feel better about being fat. I’ll probably always be fat unless I get some kind of illness that causes me to drop even more weight (I’ve already rapidly lost 70 pounds from gastroparesis and adrenal insufficiency, and no that’s not a good thing).

The way I see it, my family comes from a long line of survivors, and the way poor people survive the hunger that often comes with poverty is by storing a lot of fat really easily. My family has been poor for generations (my generation was a temporary fluke) and most of us are well adapted to low food conditions. So being fat is a sign that my genes are trying to help me survive. The fact that I can be on tube feedings of roughly 1200 calories a day, exercise regularly, and still be fat, tells me that this is just how I’m built. And honestly I should be thankful for it. I have a good friend that wouldn’t have survived the drastic weight loss I experienced, to the point I really fear for her if she ever gets an illness that causes weight loss. She doesn’t have seventy pounds to lose. I could have still died from starvation before I ever became thin. But she would have died for sure in those circumstances. So my fat has helped me survive, I should not hate it.

Some days I’m really good at it. I can look at myself and see that like most of my family I have a stocky, fat build. Everyone in my family has a similar build. This is not automatically bad, it means we are built to survive famine and sickness and other things that can cause you to not get enough food. I can look at myself and see generations of people whose bodies found a way to survive.

Other days I look at myself and I only see me how the world sees me. I see the people who say I should just starve rather than get a feeding tube because fat people don’t need to eat or something. I see every comment everyone has ever made about my stomach or my arms. I see everyone who’s ever told me to go on a diet or to exercise or that I must be lazy and eating donuts all day, even when I ate healthier than the people who told me that.

And I have to weigh myself, and I worry. I have to weigh myself because it shows changes in my medical condition. But it makes me afraid of gaining weight. I end up happy every time the scales says 178 or less, scared when it’s 180 or more. Even though I know all about why being fat is the least of my problems.

Some days I can see myself as beautiful, I can see my short fat hairy build as something unique and cool. Other days I just remember reading people saying they vomit whenever they look at a fat person, and I keep wondering why would someone vomit just from seeing another human being, do they have any idea how that makes us feel. But people don’t care. Or they care too much, they yammer on about concern for our health when what they really want to do is spew bigotry.

Today though I feel awesome about being fat. I look in the mirror at this picture I took, and I see the generations of stocky-built people who came before me, and I love it all. I wish I could feel like this about myself all the time.

Hostile responses or concern trolling about “health” will get you put on ignore faster than you would believe. Don’t bother. My health problems cause weight LOSS, and that’s my main worry at the moment.

Notes:
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