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2:12pm May 25, 2014

Have you ever…?

Have you ever reached the point where you could do nothing but scream?  Or slam your head into a wall, over and over, until your vision craps out?  Or flail around with your arms?  Have you ever accidentally hurt someone when this happened, and wished you hadn’t, and had no idea how not to do it all over again?  Have you ever known you’re making a scene and been powerless to stop it, known that people are judging you and been powerless to stop it?

Have you ever reached a point where normally you would scream and flail and thrash, but something else happens instead?  You shrink down, and pull back, further and further into your own head, until the world is at the other end of a long tunnel.  The tunnel is so long and dark that you can’t see out.  And then you’re falling, and falling, and falling, endlessly.  And then you hit the bottom of something, and shatter into pieces.  

And you lie there, on the floor of your mind, deep underground, in pieces.  You don’t know what’s happening outside of you, including what’s happening in your body.  All you know is this deep, unending pain, and immobility, and disconnection.  And for the first time in your life, you wish you could just scream and bash your head.