10:44am June 1, 2014

Something that IS pretty consistently ableist…

…is using the length or brevity of my posts as a way of insulting me or making it sound like my words don’t matter.

I’ve heard it all before. I’ve heard it in every conceivable combination. Either I’m long-winded and rambling, or I’m too brief and not giving enough detail. And either way, the person says, this means that I’m not worth listening to.

Understand also: I understand that when my posts are long, or short, it can make them difficult for people to read. I am not talking about people who find my posts difficult to read. I find my longer posts difficult, often impossible, to read, myself.

What’s ableist about all this is when you start using long-winded as an insult. When you start attributing it to character traits (“obsessiveness” being one I hear a lot about). When you start implying that if I really tried, I could condense long posts down to something shorter. Or that I could elaborate on my short posts and make them longer.

Here’s the thing: My posts come out whatever length they come out. I have virtually no control over the length. In situations where I do have to control the length, I’ve been known to be driven to violent meltdowns in which I bash myself on my head over and over in an effort to force my brain to do what it won’t do naturally. Which is, to either take something really long and summarize it until it’s shorter, or take something really short and elaborate on it until it’s longer.

Both my really long posts and my really short posts are the result of a language disability. Some combination of autism and hyperlexia. Do all autistic and hyperlexic people have this problem? No, but a lot of us do. More to the point: No, but I do. And I have bent over backwards trying to get rid of this problem, I have driven myself to tears, I have driven myself to meltdowns and shutdowns, I have rendered myself incapable of doing anything else for days on end afterwards. And no matter, I still can’t do it.

I’m not asking for suggestions on how to improve my writing. I’ve tried everything.

I’m asking to be given some slack here.

And especially, I’m asking to be given some slack at the very last time that you want to give anyone any slack: At the times when you are fighting with me and you want an easy target. So you go after how long my posts are, and possibly add in a lot of ableist speculation about what mental disorders make it so that I am long-winded and repetitive and “obsessive” and whatever else you can come up with. And you score some cheap shots, and you may even figure out a way to get out of reading what I have to say.

(Note: I understand if you can’t read it because you have a disability yourself. But if you then infer that I could’ve made it accessible to you if only I tried hard enough? I wish. If there was one thing I wish I was able to do, it is make my writing more accessible to a broader range of people. Not least because my writing is often not accessible to me as a reader. But you do not get to tell me I’m ableist because my writing is inaccessible, when my writing is inaccessible due to a disability of my own. Life doesn’t work that way. Sometimes there are conflicting access needs. It sucks. It’s nobody’s fault. Don’t try to make it mine.)

If I ask for help in making my writing more accessible, understand that I don’t expect help. I don’t expect random people to jump out of the woodwork, willing to help me. I just expect that there’s a possibility someone might help, because I come from communities where people have done stuff like that for each other. In particular, translating from one person’s writing style to another person’s reading style. I’ve done that for others. It’s not out of the realm of possibility that others might do that for me. My asking for help does not make me a spoiled brat who expects everything done for me, and painting me that way is also ableist. Especially given that if I’ve asked for help, it’s usually because I’ve exhausted every other possibility first.

So:

Treating how long (or short) my writing is like a character flaw? Ableist.

Treating how long (or short) my writing is as a ‘symptom’ of a psychiatric condition, particularly one pulled out of your ass to make me look bad to onlookers? Ableist.

Going through my writing and using words like 'repetitive’, 'obsessive’, etc. in an attempt to do exactly the above, when you know I’m autistic and these are autistic traits? Ableist.

Presuming I could control the length of my writing if I tried, after I’ve already explained time and time again the damage I’ve done to myself in attempts to do exactly that? Ableist.

Treating me like shit for asking for help? Ableist.

So no matter how pissed off at me you get, these are all hitting me below the belt. Especially when they’re done entirely to get onlookers to see me as pathetic, unstable, stupid, spoiled, or other things like that.

And this doesn’t just apply to me. It applies to other disabled people who have the same problem. Autism isn’t the only condition that can cause writing to become long-winded and detailed. Temporal lobe epilepsy is famous for it (I also have TLE), causing something called hypergraphia. Mania can have the same result. So can hyperlexia. Lots of conditions can cause people to either make really long posts, or really short posts, and to be unable to control the length of their writing, or unable to control it without losing so many spoons that they are unable to function.

So in general, insulting people based on the length of their writing is a pretty shitty move. It’s one thing to say – politely – “I’m sorry but I’m unable to read posts of this length.” I even tag long posts, when I remember, with #long and #long post, so that people who have trouble with long posts can skip them. When something is really important, I try to see if there’s anyone who could help me write something shorter (or longer, but usually shorter). But there’s a huge difference between saying you can’t read posts of a certain length, and deliberately making the author feel like shit for writing a post of that length.

And when you know the author has a disability that affects the length of their posts, treating us like shit for it, either directly or indirectly (by rounding up other people and telling them how awful we are for writing things too long or too short), is completely ableist.

Notes: