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7:15am June 12, 2014

Fuck fuck fuck.

So I finally got a lot of sleep, which is the only good news I’ve got.  I had a lot of uneasy dreams that basically came down to anxiety about family, aging, and the economy.

I woke up and immediately checked my email.  My dad’s biopsy, I guess, hasn’t happened yet.  But it may be more a formality than anything.  The scan they did yesterday seems to show metastases in his lungs, liver, and kidneys.  They’re going to an oncologist next week.

I’m mostly just numb.  That’s usually how I am early on with news like this, if it doesn’t knock the wind out of me.  It hasn’t fully sunk in.  I’m not sure when it will.  It feels like parts of me feel it and parts of me don’t.  But what matters more than anything is loving my dad.  I know he’s afraid of death, and that’s my biggest concern.  Whether he manages to survive this or not (and I’ve got a really bad feeling about this), he’s somehow got to deal with that either way.  And I know that love is the only thing that helps.

Notes:
  1. alliecat-person said: I’m so sorry. Wishing you and your family the best.
  2. skull-bearer said: Know we’re all thinking of you, and you have all our thoughts and hopes.
  3. veryusual said: i’m so sorry about your dad’s bad news. i lost mine last year and it’s hard. sending you and your family good wishes/positive vibes.
  4. fullyarticulatedgoldskeleton said: *offers hugs*
  5. dendriforming said: I’m so sorry.
  6. withasmoothroundstone posted this