Theme
12:35pm June 13, 2014
My head is spinning.  Like everything is just spinning.  And I have to sit here on this bench.  And then I have to get into a car.  And then I have to go to physical therapy.  And then I have to do exercises.  And then I have to sit around waiting for a car.  And then I have to go home.  And I have to not throw up or wig out or anything in the process of all this. Someone just came up to me that I know offline and did a lot of comforting sorts of things but I could barely understand a word she was saying, it was just like hearing water and seeing movement out the corner of my eye and trying to keep up and not really being able to. A lot of this is sleep deprivation, it’s not just stress.  Once I can get some sleep, I’ll be better.  But I can’t sleep until I’ve gone to physical therapy and back.  And this is the one day I really need my wheelchair, not just bring it along because I might need it for some exercise at PT.  And the elevator was broken so I had to wobble down the stairs and I still feel wobbly.  And I never feel wobbly these days. I’m sorry if I seem like I’m just pissing and moaning too much, but for now I just need to be able to say what’s going on because that’s the only things my hands will type, it’s almost like an automatic pilot and I can’t control it very much. I don’t know if the degree of shutdown actually shows on my face or not but it’s definitely happening, everything just seems wobbly and spinny.  I don’t think I’m actually in any physical danger, I took a huge dose of dexamethasone this morning, but the sleep deprivation is making my brain not work. (But Anne or anyone – if you pick up any signs I’m missing, of being in physical danger, please tell me, because I’m not 100% good at noticing things right now, either.  I think right now this is mostly cognitive and emotional, and slightly physical, but not dangerous yet.  It’d be dangerous if it went on for a few more days the same as this, though.  I really, really want to sleep.  Sleep is all I want.  But it’ll be at least 3 or 4 hours before I can do that, and exercise in between, yay?) I seriously don’t seem to look anywhere near as messed up as I feel, based on the picture.  I seriously feel like there’s just all this spinniness everywhere.  It’s not actual dizziness or vertigo, it’s more like sensory overload and this brain-spinning feeling and like everything around me is turning into pieces and pixels and crap.  And my eyes are twitching and I can’t stop them.

My head is spinning.  Like everything is just spinning.  And I have to sit here on this bench.  And then I have to get into a car.  And then I have to go to physical therapy.  And then I have to do exercises.  And then I have to sit around waiting for a car.  And then I have to go home.  And I have to not throw up or wig out or anything in the process of all this.

Someone just came up to me that I know offline and did a lot of comforting sorts of things but I could barely understand a word she was saying, it was just like hearing water and seeing movement out the corner of my eye and trying to keep up and not really being able to.

A lot of this is sleep deprivation, it’s not just stress.  Once I can get some sleep, I’ll be better.  But I can’t sleep until I’ve gone to physical therapy and back.  And this is the one day I really need my wheelchair, not just bring it along because I might need it for some exercise at PT.  And the elevator was broken so I had to wobble down the stairs and I still feel wobbly.  And I never feel wobbly these days.

I’m sorry if I seem like I’m just pissing and moaning too much, but for now I just need to be able to say what’s going on because that’s the only things my hands will type, it’s almost like an automatic pilot and I can’t control it very much.

I don’t know if the degree of shutdown actually shows on my face or not but it’s definitely happening, everything just seems wobbly and spinny.  I don’t think I’m actually in any physical danger, I took a huge dose of dexamethasone this morning, but the sleep deprivation is making my brain not work.

(But Anne or anyone – if you pick up any signs I’m missing, of being in physical danger, please tell me, because I’m not 100% good at noticing things right now, either.  I think right now this is mostly cognitive and emotional, and slightly physical, but not dangerous yet.  It’d be dangerous if it went on for a few more days the same as this, though.  I really, really want to sleep.  Sleep is all I want.  But it’ll be at least 3 or 4 hours before I can do that, and exercise in between, yay?)

I seriously don’t seem to look anywhere near as messed up as I feel, based on the picture.  I seriously feel like there’s just all this spinniness everywhere.  It’s not actual dizziness or vertigo, it’s more like sensory overload and this brain-spinning feeling and like everything around me is turning into pieces and pixels and crap.  And my eyes are twitching and I can’t stop them.