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12:36pm June 20, 2014

This is not a response to something recent, it’s months-old stuff.

So I spend my entire life being told that the way my mind works is wrong, broken, and that the only possible way I can have any value is to make my mind work in this ~better~ way.  And sometimes I can force my mind to emulate this ~better~ way, but not for long, and it hurts, and it does long-term damage to my mind, and eventually I can’t do it at all, and I have to do things my way.

So I discover, eventually, to my surprise, that there are actual merits to the way my mind works.  That the way my mind works does some things better than the way I’d been told my mind had to work.  That the way my mind works does some things better than the way everyone seems to value all the time.

And I begin, gradually, to openly celebrate the way my mind works.  To say there’s something good in here.  Not good for everything, has its own drawbacks mind you, but it’s not like I’m totally useless the way I was taught I was.  And there are good things here, and I want to be able to celebrate them.

So instantly.  I get this reaction.  From people whose minds work in a way that is, for the most part, highly valued by society, compared to the way my mind works.

Where they think I’m putting them down.

And they think I’m saying there’s something horribly wrong with them.

And they think I’m saying they’re useless.

And they think that by simply celebrating the way my own mind works, I’m somehow giving them all the messages that I’ve gotten my entire fucking life about how my own mind works.

I don’t even know how to respond to such a situation.

I know it’s not true.

But I honestly don’t think anything I say can do any good in a situation like this.

Because all I’m fucking doing is having the courage to take a tiny tiny bit of pride in something that’s been stomped down on my entire life and treated like an utter worthless piece of shit.

And people can’t even let me have that tiny bit of pride, without accusing me of calling them a worthless piece of shit for not being exactly like me.

And I can’t even fathom it.

And it doesn’t seem right, or fair.

It’s like I’m not allowed to have one tiny piece of the world where I can say “this isn’t all bad, it’s actually kind of good in some ways, and I like myself as I am”.  Without someone reading that as an insult against them, for not being me.  I’ve never asked anyone to be like me.  I’ve never expected anyone to be like me.  I just want to be able to be me, without getting this kind of hassle.