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6:57am June 27, 2014

I’m still watching the movie.

And I’m infuriated.

And it’s all the things people don’t notice.

The way whenever the teacher talks to her students she’s bossing them around.

“Put your hands down.”

“Talk to me.  No.  TALK.”

“Say _____.  Now say _______.  Now say _______.”  (For things that, for anyone else, would be a spontaneous statement that could either be made or not made.  But for autistic people, it’s got to be words put into our mouths and then repeated back and that somehow makes it okay.)

And it’s just so natural for her to tell people what to do, often the very first thing she does to someone is tell them what to do, even if it’s just a totally random thing you’d never tell someone to do if you didn’t have power over them.

Barely controlled rage here.  She doesn’t even know.  She has no idea she’s doing this.  She has no idea what it feels like to be them.  She’s thinking about them, 24/7 she says, she can’t stop thinking about them, but it’s like she never sees them as them, and it hurts to watch.

She’s just said “put the hands down” like five times in five minutes and like… if she hadn’t kept saying it I wouldn’t have known the guy’s hands were doing anything.  And they weren’t, really.  He just wasn’t holding them in the normal position. Or something.  I hate this I hate this I hate this.