Theme
1:50pm July 6, 2014
This is how I dress when I want to feel like my dad, think about my dad, emulate my dad, love my dad, whatever else about my dad.  I’ve always looked up to him, and the clothing and hats he wears are one of those aesthetics that I’ve picked up that have nothing at all to do with gender.   Unfortunately, to other people they do have to do with gender, and when I dressed like this all the time, people assumed that I was trying to project a ‘butch’ image.  Instead, I was just trying to be like certain relatives of mine, especially my father, who just happen to be male.  I have a photo somewhere of me next to my great-uncle, both of us dressed almost exactly alike and with the same hairdo.  I wish I knew which computer that was on, or even whether I still have the photo, because it was a great one. Anyway, when I dress like this, it’s because I identify with my father.  Not because I identify with masculinity.  Unfortunately, as I said before, when you’re genderless, being read as any gender is automatically being misgendered.  And you can’t escape being read as a gender, unless you’re around people who Really Get It. What never fails to surprise me, though, is how changing the aesthetic of my clothing makes people assume that I’ve changed fundamental aspects of my personality.  In parts of the lesbian community there’s this big thing about whether you’re butch, femme, or andro, and people think you’re 'confused’ if you 'switch around’ too much.  And while gender fluidity is a perfectly wonderful thing for people who have it, I don’t.  Changing my clothing style isn’t a reflection of change in gender, it’s just a reflection of what I feel like wearing today.  And even a lot of trans people have trouble understanding that, unless they have a good grasp of genderlessness. Not that my clothing aesthetics mean nothing.  Of course they mean something.  To me, the way I am dressed right now?  It means my father.  It means my family.  It means my roots.  The hat often means that I’m taking something very seriously, seriously enough to put my hat on.  Dressing this way is like eating comfort foods from your culture.   But, for me, it means nothing at all regarding gender, even though the clothing is technically menswear.   Right now, though, what it means?  It means I love my dad, and I want to connect with him even when we’re not able to be Skyping all the time.  Dressing like him helps me resonate better with him at a distance.  It’s comforting and it shows my love for him, and helps me feel his love for me.  He calls me a “chip off the old blockhead” sometimes, “chip” for short.  This reminds me why.

This is how I dress when I want to feel like my dad, think about my dad, emulate my dad, love my dad, whatever else about my dad.  I’ve always looked up to him, and the clothing and hats he wears are one of those aesthetics that I’ve picked up that have nothing at all to do with gender.  

Unfortunately, to other people they do have to do with gender, and when I dressed like this all the time, people assumed that I was trying to project a ‘butch’ image.  Instead, I was just trying to be like certain relatives of mine, especially my father, who just happen to be male.  I have a photo somewhere of me next to my great-uncle, both of us dressed almost exactly alike and with the same hairdo.  I wish I knew which computer that was on, or even whether I still have the photo, because it was a great one.

Anyway, when I dress like this, it’s because I identify with my father.  Not because I identify with masculinity.  Unfortunately, as I said before, when you’re genderless, being read as any gender is automatically being misgendered.  And you can’t escape being read as a gender, unless you’re around people who Really Get It.

What never fails to surprise me, though, is how changing the aesthetic of my clothing makes people assume that I’ve changed fundamental aspects of my personality.  In parts of the lesbian community there’s this big thing about whether you’re butch, femme, or andro, and people think you’re 'confused’ if you 'switch around’ too much.  And while gender fluidity is a perfectly wonderful thing for people who have it, I don’t.  Changing my clothing style isn’t a reflection of change in gender, it’s just a reflection of what I feel like wearing today.  And even a lot of trans people have trouble understanding that, unless they have a good grasp of genderlessness.

Not that my clothing aesthetics mean nothing.  Of course they mean something.  To me, the way I am dressed right now?  It means my father.  It means my family.  It means my roots.  The hat often means that I’m taking something very seriously, seriously enough to put my hat on.  Dressing this way is like eating comfort foods from your culture.  

But, for me, it means nothing at all regarding gender, even though the clothing is technically menswear.  

Right now, though, what it means?  It means I love my dad, and I want to connect with him even when we’re not able to be Skyping all the time.  Dressing like him helps me resonate better with him at a distance.  It’s comforting and it shows my love for him, and helps me feel his love for me.  He calls me a “chip off the old blockhead” sometimes, “chip” for short.  This reminds me why.

Notes:
  1. withasmoothroundstone posted this