3:35pm July 6, 2014

Identifying As “Graygender”/”Greygender”

I’ve just recently realized my personal experience of gender falls partially into the category of nonbinary so I spent some time delving into nonbinary gender identities and learning about them to see if any of them felt right. However, none of the pre-existing terms felt like a good fit for me. “Gender neutral,” “neutrois,” and “agender” all felt kiiinda close, and while I could technically kinda use them to express what I feel about myelf, I thought I’d rather have something a bit clearer and more specific to my experience of gender, that feels truly right to use.

After trying to sort out and define exactly how I experience gender, I realized that it felt a lot like how I experience my graysexuality and grayromanticism - that is, I feel like I experience gender, but I naturally have a lot less investment in it and motivation to participate in it compared to most people. So, thinking about the difference between “asexuality” and “graysexuality”, my mind came up with the term “graygender” which could have that same relationship to “agender”, and it felt really surprisingly right for me almost immediately. (note: I know agender doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t have or experience gender at all, but it can very easily be taken that way, which is why it doesn’t quite work for me.)

Below I’ll explain graygender and what it feels like more:
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Graygender / Greygender:

a person who identifies as (at least partially) outside the gender binary and has a strong natural ambivalence about their gender identity or gender expression. They feel they have a gender(s), as well as a natural inclination or desire to express it, but it’s weak and/or somewhat indeterminate/indefinable, or they don’t feel it most of the time, or they’re just not that invested in it. They’re not entirely without a gender or gender expression, but they’re not entirely “with” it either, so to speak.

So using the word “graygender” can express:
the state of being kinda close to agender but not quite (just greysexuality is kinda close to asexuality but not quite), having a nonbinary gender that falls in a hazy grey area and can be hard to define or pinpoint, being gender neutral-ish more because of ambivalence and lack of participation in gender rather than active participation in nonbinary gender expression, and/or feeling gender and an inclination to participate in gendered thinking/expression less than most seem to.

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So basically I’m making this term and using it because it feels right for me, as opposed to most pre-existing nonbinary terms, especially because it expresses my passive/weak/vague/rare experience of gender. If it feels like it hits home for you, feel free to use the word for yourself!