as small as a world and as large as alone

3:19pm July 9, 2014

madeofpatterns:

fierceawakening:

I’ve been reading some fascinating posts critiquing the idea of “nice guys” as often ableist, or at least of descriptions of them as ableist because they often mention or key on things some men with disabilities might also do or be or have: living in mom’s basement, having a “neck beard” or otherwise poor hygiene, missing social cues, etc. Some women who share those traits have mentioned they get the message they are unloveable from descriptions of Nice Guys that focus on those traits rather than on this kind of man having an entitled attitude.

I don’t want to derail those posts since I don’t have the sort of disability that would lead those things to be true of me, and think there’s merit to the point being made.

But I did want to ask if any women with disabilities have ever had the experiences I’ve had where men with disabilities have felt entitled to them because they have disabilities and are women? Because I’ve straight up had men with disabilities tell me that because I have a disability too, I “understand” them and can comfort them and therefore should be their girlfriend. I’ve had guys literally follow me around doing this. It’s like they think their disability gives nondisabled women a reason to scorn them, but all men are entitled to a girlfriend, so they’re automatically entitled to me as a woman who has a disability, and I don’t get to say no.

Like these dudes have literally never said to me “we can comfort one another about disability-related issues or commiserate about the ableist world; I get you too.” It’s always about the guy’s pain and how women are emotional caretakers so I’ve been volunteered to make Dude feel better.

Like I think there is such a thing as Disabled Entitled Guy, too.

Yes. Definitely.

I think the descriptions people use for Nice Guys are frequently ableist, but that has nothing to do with the fact that there are also disabled Nice Guys.  Two separate issues.

It’s a notorious problem in autism support groups.  (Note: I’m going to include myself in ‘women’ here because that’s what I’m treated as.)

We’re usually outnumbered by the men.

We usually have more sexual experience than the men, but more of it was bad or abusive or outright rape.  (And the men usually don’t understand why this is a problem, and may even tell us they’re jealous of our sexual experience.)

And… the guys really often have some serious boundary and social skills issues that make things utterly horrible.

I’ve had a guy follow me around Autreat, telling me over and over things like “I wish you weren’t a lesbian, because I’m in love with you…” and thinking he’ll get a different answer the fiftieth time he says it.  And that’s one of the least offensive encounters I’ve had.

Another support group just could not keep women there.  Because of the guy problem.  And the leader, being a guy, couldn’t see the guy problem.  He just wondered often why women would show up a few times and then disappear.

And while I really don’t like to bring this up, because it fits too many stereotypes, the man who molested me was an autistic man with horrible horrible boundaries when it came to women.  He basically saw women as a means to an end.  And when he couldn’t get a real woman, he took it out on me by molesting me and pouring all his misogyny into me.  Like I was his scapegoat for a world that had 'rejected’ him.

I don’t like to bring autism into that because there’s a really nasty stereotype about developmentally disabled men, and our story falls straight into the middle of that stereotype.  But suffice to say I have met my share of disabled male creepers when it comes to sex.

There was also the three guys who sexually assaulted me, in front of witnesses, in special ed or institutions, and where I was blamed because I “should’ve seen it coming”.  At one point I told a teacher what a guy named Sandeep had done to me, and she laughed and said “that's so Sandeep”.  (He had stuck his foot up my butt and wiggled it around.)

The thing is… even though there’s plenty of disabled male sexual assholes and rapists and perverts, I still don’t think that it’s good to throw the stereotypes at them like “still living in his parents’ basement”.  For a lot of reasons, including the fact that it makes people more complacent around people who don’t fit the stereotype.  And I guarantee you for every creepy disabled guy out there there’s ten creepy nondisabled guys. 

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