10:36am July 13, 2014

I’m writing this so that I don’t have to publish the person’s apology in public.

Because it felt very personal, and I don’t want to cause them any further pain by publishing something that personal in public.

But the person who sent me the “should I kill myself?” asks apologized, and said they were jealous of me for being whole and happy, and that’s why they were attacking me.

And now I feel horrible.

Because I’d wondered if it was something like that, because I’ve had this reaction to someone once, in the past, and it was something similar. Not exactly the same, but similar enough that I could recognize what was happening.

We’ve both got each other blocked now. At least, I’m pretty sure I have them blocked, and I know they have me blocked and savioured.

I hope this ends the fight between us.

But I feel horrible that being visibly happy can make someone feel so bad. Not that I’m going to stop being visibly happy, when I’m happy. But ugh, this just doesn’t feel like there’s ever a good solution to a situation like this. Other than having each other mutually blocked. But that’s still not going to make them happy, and I wish they were happy, but that’s the sort of thing that tumblr can’t fix. Not usually anyway.

I seriously hope one day they’re as whole and happy as they see me as feeling.

And I feel vaguely embarrassed and ashamed and I don’t know why.

Anyway, if you reblog this or talk about this situation, please don’t insult them or put them down. They did something wrong, they know what they did was wrong, they even went kind of overboard in trying to make up for it by doing something else (which they did not, at all, have to do), and… I think they feel bad enough already, without adding anything else to it.

This sort of situation just makes me feel shitty and sad, especially because I remember very, very clearly what it was like to dislike a particular person so much because of a quality they had, that I was jealous of and thought I could never have. And I lashed out at them too, but not as directly. It turned out I not only could have that quality, I already did have it, but that’s a completely different story.

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