as small as a world and as large as alone

9:24pm July 16, 2014

soilrockslove:

I know this might be autistic person heresy.  or something.

But I’m tired of sunglasses.  I want to look at the brightness of the world until my vision splinters a little at the edges.  I want to stand in the world’s summer heat until the lava-crust melts.  I want to listen to music loud - the same song again and again.  And stand in strobe lights.  Until something inside me melts and flows.

I’m tired of having layers between me and the world.  I’m ready to let the world in - all it’s intensity.

Overload makes me function less well.  I move in unusual ways.  Can’t do certain things.  But I think I’d make that trade more often if I had the choice.

I love the tools I’ve found.  And I don’t want this to be an excuse to deprive other people of earplugs or sunglasses. 

But I’m ready for this.

Weirdly enough, I know what you mean.

I have gone through periods of wearing tinted lenses that make the visual world easier to parse, and periods of wearing just my prism lenses (which make my vision more likely to be 3d, but do nothing else, and aren’t tinted.).

I honestly sometimes feel like my body has evolved to deal with wonky vision, and that wearing glasses that force vision to be more central in my life, actually scrambles my brain pretty badly.  So putting up with the overload and the pain and the meaning-blindness and fragmentation and distortion and everything else becomes preferable to having my brain forcibly rearranged in a way that feels like I’m losing something.

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