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10:05am July 17, 2014
Anonymous asked: Related to the last ask about slurs: Who do you think is allowed to call themselves crazy? I'm considered mentally ill (and I'm also autistic) and I like the idea of using the term. But I don't know if I can because I don't know if what I have falls into the Official Crazy Person stereotype category (but I also don't "just" have depression - note the quotes.) Trying to get opinions.

dusty-soul:

withasmoothroundstone:

I think if crazy is something that can be used against you, then you can use it.  I use crazy for myself because I’ve been called crazy my whole life, independent of diagnosis.  And I also think anyone psychiatrically disabled or psychiatrized in any way can claim the term because they could be called crazy, even people with the more socially acceptable disorders, even people who don’t have a condition at all but have ended up in the system.  By virtue of being in the system, that’s one way to earn the right to ‘crazy’.

I know this is a really sensative topic, and I’m going to tread with as much care as I can.

And there are specific mutals who like, I’m scared to post this because I don’t want you to see it and think poorly of me. But I also kind of want you to know, because these mutuals are people who do fall under the Official Crazy Person catagorie and I want to say, “I think I know what you mean”

So there’s this thing that happens to me, and it sounds kind of the Midnight diesase (sorry I forgot the name of the author who this is named after, he’s russian and wrote The Idiot, I think?) anyway, I get over come with stories, my own stories, fanfiction stories, and I either have to write them out (like by hand, doing this on a computer doesn’t fill the complusion) but more often what I have to do, have to do or I get anxity attacks and shaking and virtigo and feelings of unreality and head aches because if I don’t go do this more stories start telling themsevles to me all at once

I have to go outside and run and run and run and run and tell myself this story in my head, and tell it to myself over and over until every detail is perfect and every possibly fork in the plot (road) is worked out and I know everything that could ever happen in this story. And I have to run off all the characters emotions, motivations, I feel like I am the characters when I do this, and I do not hear the words of the stories in my head, I don’t even know how to turn the stories into words when this happens.

Anyway, when I have this need to go running at 10 pm, 12 pm, 3 am I feel cr*zy. I call myself “disturbed” “unquiet” because my very essance of who I am is screaming at me. I feel possesed by the stories, I feel like my body isn’t my body, and if I didn’t have a drive way, or a swing set, to run on / swing on (and at one point I didn’t) I’d wonder the area. I’d probablly get lost because I do not know the ins and outs of the knew place I did, but in the place I lived 8 years I’d walk the streets, I’d walk and walk and walk for miles and sometiems I’d get lost, and then I’d have to walk and walk until I retraced my steps enough to find someplace I remembered.

I still have dreams of swinging, of running up and down the drive way, or walking walking walking the town or the rail road tracks or the forest.

I do not know why this happens to me, it scares me, I’m not in control. But it happens to me, and I have to, and I feel so foreign to myself yet so at home that I just don’t know what to make of it.

And I feel so lonely. And I want to find a home, if not people who understand, or share the exprence, then at least people who a little bit know what the unreality feelings are like, because while that’s not all of it, it’s a lot of it, and sometimes it’s almost enough.

I’m disturbed. I’m unquiet. I’m lonely.