3:32pm July 23, 2014

Friendship and crisis and caring and boundaries

(note: this is NOT a response to something I’ve seen on tumblr, it’s just some stuff I was thinking about.)

One really, really common way I’ve seen evil operate in humans is through the hijacking of an initially “good” (or, at the very least, understandable) response to a situation.

Caring about someone who is going through a crisis is good, and for anyone with a conscience it’s not even something that takes effort.

And there’s an aspect of caring that entails a certain amount of fear, at least in situations where the outcome is either unknowable or bound to be negative.

I think where things start to go screwy is that point where “fear of the unknown and/or negative” becomes “fear over the fact that I, the Person Who Cares, can’t actually FIX the situation”.

I’m pretty sure this is a fairly normal way to feel. But it’s not a good thing to dwell on too much or let yourself get caught up in. For one thing, it can eat up your attentional bandwidth to where you won’t be able to recognize “little”, more tangible things you CAN do, and that the person you’re worried about would actually appreciate.

For another thing — and this is where the thing I’m calling “evil” comes in — it has a tendency to flip the situation around and make it about you, rather than about the other person. I’ve seen this happen on multiple occasions, and have also experienced it to an extent myself, which is not something I am proud of.

It usually goes something like this:

- You put LOTS of energy into being mad at the root of the situation causing your friend to be in crisis. Situation doesn’t go away, but you’re still mad.

- You text (or email or call, etc.) your friend because, well, even though you can’t fix their problem(s), you figure you can at least let them know you’re there.

- Your friend doesn’t respond. You send another message, and they still don’t respond. And yet you know they’re obviously alive.

- The fear and anger shift *toward your friend*. You start asking yourself, “are they mad at me? have they decided I’m not a close enough friend to talk to anymore?”

…and then things escalate from there.

It’s fine, of course, to recognize that this insecurity about the friendship itself stems from frustration over not being able to do more for them.

But it’s really REALLY important not to let yourself start thinking that expressing your insecurity is a manifestation of caring.

People in crisis all need different things, and sometimes they do want/need/appreciate getting “pinged” now and again via text or email or whatever. But as the friend-who-cares…you HAVE to be able to separate “I care about my friend” from “I want my friend to respond RIGHT NOW in order to prove they still like me”.

No matter how close a friend is to you…direct, frequent interaction with YOU may not always be what they need.

They might actually benefit more from interacting with different people, depending on the situation. Or interacting in a different way than usual with you. Yes, be there. Yes, make sure they have opportunities to interact with you, if they want to, in low-stress ways. But don’t trample their boundaries and in doing so convince yourself that this is a valid means of expressing how much you care.

Wow that’s all really important stuff.

Also – for anyone wondering about this with regards to my father having terminal cancer and everything…

For anyone who has pinged me during the family crisis I’m in and I haven’t responded – I’ve responded in my head, and I appreciate each and every person who has sent well wishes, I even appreciate the people who have wanted to send well wishes but not been able to (I know you’re out there because I’m often in that situation, so I factor you in as people who care). I’m not always able to respond. But I appreciate all of it more than I could possibly convey.

(That’s not aimed at Anne in particular, that’s just in general, because I want people to know that I know you care and I care that you care, I just can’t always respond to everyone as much as I’d like to because I’m overwhelmed with stuff going on. I can’t even connect with my family as much as I’d like to and they’re the ones I really need to be connected with the most.)

Notes: