as small as a world and as large as alone

4:00pm July 23, 2014

blue-jayne:

You are not alone

realsocialskills:

If you are being hurt by a person, they’re likely trying to convince you that no one else could possibly understand your relationship.

If you’re being hurt by your family, they’re likely trying to convince you that no one else could possibly understand your family.

If…

blue-jayne said:

this was the primary tactic of my abuser. an abuser will go out of their way to train you into this thought pattern:

“If you are being hurt by a person, they’re likely trying to convince you that no one else could possibly understand your relationship.”

the thought pattern that your “special” and “unusual” and “magically extraordinary and totally unique” relationship you have together cannot be understood by anyone else and- let me paraphrase my abuser- “everything about us would be ruined if we talked about how special this is.” They train you into this so that when the abuse escalates, you feel isolated and alone, as if no one could possibly help or understand you. The abuser is invalidating the help others may give you before you have even approached someone for help!

it took me years to realize that this was what he had done.

Wow I’ve had that done to me too.

It actually resulted in a situation where… I now have an amazing and very special and unique relationship with someone.  And the two of us were afraid to even admit to ourselves how amazing and special and unique it was, because we were aware of my past experiences with such, some of which had eerie parallels.  Like false things that were said in past abusive relationships, were true in this current non-abusive relationship.  (Friendship, by the way, not romantic.  But highly intimate friendship.)  So we were for a long time afraid to admit to those things, for fear that somehow it would be like the abusive relationship.  But the real thing is totally different than the false thing.  It uses the same words to describe it, but the core reality is different.

And that’s important to know too.

You can have amazing special unique relationships that few other people can understand.  And those can be real.  But when you have a real one, the entire feel of it is totally different from when you have an abuser who is just saying those things.  And it’s also totally different from when you have an abusive relationship that has components that are similar.  It’s still totally different.  The real thing is beautiful and rare and not at all abusive.  And I honestly think that one thing that abusers do, when they say all these things… is they convince you that the real thing can’t exist.  They may not do that on purpose, but they do it.  They convince you that if you do have an amazing special unique relationship then it’s time to look over your shoulder because something must be wrong.  

And that’s… a serious violation.  It’s almost a worse violation than the original abuse, because it makes you afraid to form some of the most amazing friendships you could possibly have in your life, and afraid to trust the people you should trust the most.  And afraid that the other person won’t trust you.  And generally afraid to just experience something beautiful.

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