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12:25pm August 10, 2014

space-chase:

I NEED TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING HERE 

a lot of people who’ve seen this  post think I’m saying that autistic people are sexually abusive. I’m not trying to say that. 

I’m saying “my abuser had [that characteristic], and [that characteristic] is now triggering to me, but I don’t want to completely exclude people with [that characteristic] from everything i do. I’m sorry to anyone with [that characteristic], I might be mean to you because of this, and I want you to know that it’s not about you or even that you have [that characteristic], it’s what it makes me remember.” 

That could be anything about him.  I am afraid of boys with blonde hair and pale blue eyes. Hell, I’m afraid of anyone with pale blue eyes. I’m afraid of people who tell me they love me. I’m afraid of being first to be more feminine. I’m  terrified of boys older than  me. 

It’s just the autism that shows the most because I know it’s horrible of me to think that way, and i try so hard to get around it, but I constantly get panicky and agressive around people with any of his traits, and autism is the worst one to act this way about. 

I unfortunately know what you mean.

I’m autistic.  The man who molested me for four years (he was 14 years older than me) is also autistic.  

And for a long time I was triggered by autistic men.  I didn’t know they were autistic men.  I just knew they had something in common with him that I could pick up on easily.  Something about the way they moved.

I was also triggered by men with his body type.

It took me a long time to learn to stop reacting this way.

And I’m also autistic.  And I have ties to an autistic community where I am constantly running into men who move a lot like he moves.

So I can’t imagine how long it would take to stop reacting that way if you had no reason to be close to autistic community all the time.

As long as you recognize that you’re reacting to a trait, and that not all or even most autistic men are sexual predators.  As long as you never think autism excuses his actions.  (One thing I had to deal with when I finally told people about him was “Well he was always different…” well I was always different too and you never saw me molest anyone.  That is not even close to an excuse, nor an explanation for what he did.  Not even he would accept that as an excuse or explanation.)  And it looks like you do recognize that.

But I do know what it’s like to be triggered by a trait where being triggered by it can turn into being prejudiced, really easily.