9:33pm August 17, 2014

I can’t do this I can’t do this I can’t do this

I can’t write when the expectation is that I can only write if certain people can read what I write.

Nobody can write under those circumstances.  Nobody.

But especially not someone with mixed expressive/receptive language disorders who has serious trouble getting the words to come out in any way in the first place.

So the words come out a lot and there’s lots and lots and lots of words and I can’t make them stop.  I can’t make them fewer.  I can’t summarize them.  I can’t.

And I’ve been punished so many times by people who think that their receptive language or reading comprehension problems give them license to verbally bludgeon me for being unable to write what they want me to write.

Even as I can’t read my own writing either.

And I point that out and they don’t give a shit.

Because it messes up their system where there’s only “people who write long things I can’t read, but could do better if they wanted” and “people who can’t read long things” and never the twain shall meet.

I don’t even know if this last person involved is like this.

But I can barely make myself care.

I can barely make myself get into this again.

It’s been too many times.

It’s been too fucking traumatic.

Yes, actually traumatic, I’ve been bullied over this in really nasty ways.

I know that the person currently raising the objections to all this isn’t a bully, likely, and likely doesn’t know my history.

But anyone who says it’s wrong to write long things about ableism because some disabled people can’t read them, says it’s wrong for me to write about ableism.  Because some disabled people, including me including me including me including fucking me can’t read the things I write.

As I said before, there is only one good solution to situations like that.

This is to set up a voluntary translation service.

People who can write things that other people can’t read.

People who can translate that into things the other people can read.

Not just about length, also about grammar and nonstandard usage and the use of long words and lots of other things.

I mean I can’t read half of what anyone writes when there’s words like heteronormativity in it but nobody cuts me any slack or translates that into words I can understand.

I have a really small receptive vocabulary, much smaller than my expressive one.

People can have mixed expressive/receptive language disorders.

That’s why “Mixed Expressive/Receptive Language Disorder” is an actual thing.

For me, my expressive language problems manifest partly by writing things that are very long and then being unable to summarize them into anything shorter.

My receptive language problems vary but one way they manifest is not being able to read my own posts, which also interferes with proofreading and lots of other stuff.  If you read my longest posts you’ll find words that don’t even make sense, because of that.

I just can’t.

I just can’t any longer.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know what to do.

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