3:12pm August 19, 2014

I don’t actually have any obligation to post anything right now.

I just realized that while running around the house trying to deal with the lung infection and the antibiotic-induced explosive diarrhea and the nausea and everything else going on.

I have no actual obligation to write any post for any person for any reason right now.

I can write things if I want to but not because I have to.

I’ve been spending all day trying to write a very difficult post. It’s bound to be controversial, not because of the actual content but because of how people will interpret the content through their widgets. I do have to write it someday, but I don’t have to write it today. I don’t have to write any-fucking-thing today no matter what anyone wants.

I’m exhausted, I’m nauseated, my oxygen level is probably low (and yet again my oxygen cannula is not set up properly), I’m experiencing painful side-effects from the steroids that are keeping me from total collapse, and I don’t have to do anything I don’t fucking want to do right now.

Anything.

I don’t generally get to the point where I even realize this.

Obligations exist, but they aren’t constant, and sometimes you have to know when to stop.

I know there’s lots of people who use this kind of mentality to make total asses of themselves, but given my workaholic tendencies I don’t think I’m in any danger of becoming one of those people who refuses to do anything for others because that would be ~codependent~ or some bullshit like that. (Seriously whoever started popularizing that concept ought to be troutslapped, hard. Just about everyone I know who has gotten into the concept of codependence has used it as an excuse to become selfish assholes who never support anyone in any way, or do anything for anyone other than themselves, for fear of becoming ~codependent~. And then they talk lavishly about ~taking care of me~ and ~getting my me time~ and stuff even though they have nothing but “me time” and even though they don't ever care about anyone other than themselves. And they call this “self-improvement” when it looks more like becoming more and more selfish and entitled by the day.)

So. Um. I’m not doing that. But I am refusing to defer to everyone else about what I ought to be doing today, because I’m sick and I’m tired and I can’t fucking deal with everyone’s bullshit all the time. And there is so much bullshit in the world, it’s unbelievable. And so many impossible demands.

Oh and for the people who were worried I’d quit blogging – don’t worry. I often threaten to quit blogging when I get really fed up and tired and at the end of my rope, but I never actually quit. It’s more like something I say when I can’t stand it anymore, but I always come back. I need the community tumblr gives me, I need the social contact, and I’m hypergraphic (and in general have all the signs of the compulsive creativity in general that goes with temporal lobe epilepsy sometimes) which means writing is something I have to do, I can’t not do it. So don’t worry about that.

But don’t expect me to do everything everyone expects me to do either, because today is not the day. It’s just not. Today sucks and that’s fine, some days just suck, I’ll be over it soon. I might even write things. But if I write things, it’ll be because I chose to write them, not because I felt obligated. Obligations are real, and I’ll honor them, but…. not today. Just not, fucking, today. Everything, everywhere, hurts, and I’m nauseated, and everything that comes out of my ass is pure liquid, and I’m dehydrating, and I’m coughing up green stuff. And if that’s not enough excuse I don’t know what the fuck is.