as small as a world and as large as alone, autisticpoetry: Diagnosis (To Anyone Who May Try...

11:08pm August 19, 2014

Diagnosis (To Anyone Who May Try to Love Me)

“She has Asperger’s,” the specialist said,
Deadpan words piercing the painful, white room.
If anything else was said, I don’t remember it.
I just remember the fear, the pain, the self doubt.
How my 16 year old body whithered,
How when my sister asked me what I thought of it I screamed
“It’s just another thing that makes me different!”

It was shoved down, avoided.
I refused to tell anyone.
504 Plan plastered on my forehead like a hot brand,
I ignored the pain while their meetings burned my skin.
The word autism shriveled my soul like a prune and I pushed, pushed, pushed down who I was until it was almost unrecognizable.

Until I found my safe space.
On tumblr, a tiny tag for who I was,
For people like me.
I never felt more at home.
Suddenly, I understood who I am.
I understood what it was when I got sad and quiet at parties
Or why I would pile blankets on myself, even in summer.
I understood why my mother would yell at me for standing to close or walking weird or fiddling with everything or not listening or not acting right or not being like them why couldn’t I just be LIKE them-

The first time I met my therapist, she said “Wow, you aren’t like Sheldon Cooper at all!”

No, I am not Sheldon Cooper.
I am not a fictional character
Made to be laughed at.
Made to make fun of autistics.
Made to make fun of me.

So while I may not be able to look you in the eye,
Or speak in half mumbled words/half sign language when the party’s too loud for too long,
Or run my fingers across your back for 20 minutes because the texture of that fabric is SO amazing and makes my fingers just the right shade of numb-
Or take awkward detours from the point,
I have a big, thumping heart
That while it’s messy and you may end up with blood over your hands more than once and not really sure if it’s yours or mine or a mix of us from my wounded wars,
It will always love you in my shade of different
And I will always accept you how you are
And hope that you’ll accept me too.