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2:37pm September 1, 2014

madeofpatterns:

Some people say something is hard because they don’t value it and think any effort whatsoever is too much.

Some people say it is hard BECAUSE IT IS ACTUALLY HARD OR IMPOSSIBLE FOR THEM.

Yep yep yep yep yep.

I’ve been accused of the first so many times, when it comes to language issues.  Especially when it comes to being unable to cut words out of my vocabulary easily, even really bad words that I want to cut out of my vocabulary very badly because I can’t see any reason such words should even exist, they’re so harmful.  I still can’t always do it.

And it hurts – badly – to be in any situation where you give everything you have, and it’s never enough for people.  Another situation this crops up with is when I’m unable to give a tl;dr summary for my long posts (which is most of the time), or to simply write short posts to begin with.  Which is also something I badly want to be able to do, for the sake of accessibility.  Lots of people, myself included, can’t read long posts easily.  (I can’t even read all of my own posts.)  

And it’s one thing to simply not be able to do it.  But I’ve occasionally had people accuse me of not trying, of not caring, of not working hard enough, even when in one case, I’d literally worked myself into a head-banging meltdown and lost the ability to function properly for days.  It’s not only hurtful on an emotional level, it causes us to damage ourselves in the pursuit of a level of perfection we’ll never be able to attain.  And that can be quite dangerous.  At one point I basically had someone taunting me about my inability to do it, trying to get me to try harder and harder, and she seemed to almost be enjoying herself, like enjoying making me try and fail over and over again while accusing me of being a self-centered asshole who cares about nobody but myself because if I really cared I’d just summarize my posts or write shorter ones.  It was horrible.  When I tried to speak up for myself, she’d accuse me of “playing the victim”.  I still occasionally get triggered over that experience.