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12:31am September 11, 2014

dendriforming:

I really wish the thing that helped me with cognitive and motor stuff wasn’t so regulated. I wish more people knew the types of reactions I have to it are possible.

I don’t feel right claiming the words “autistic catatonia.” I fit the necessary criteria and have a bunch of the associated traits, but… my impairments are really mild. Also, the last time I even raised the possibility, my parents got really freaked out by the word catatonia and decided that if I tried to live independently I’d die.

But when I’m not on lorazepam, I’m often entirely unable to even direct my thoughts in a cohesive direction, unless there’s strong external cuing. I can get stuck pacing back and forth in the apartment for hours if I’m alone.

And it’s not an anxiety thing. I was totally calm this afternoon. I was just unable to do a damn thing. I didn’t get calmer after I took lorazepam. If anything, I got energized. And that’s not supposed to be how that med works.

Unless unless unless. But I feel like I can’t possibly deserve that phrase.

You strike me as having the general profile, for whatever reason.  I don’t know why I can say that, but there’s people who have a “mind-feel” to them that strikes me as related to autistic catatonia in some way, or at least to my own “mind-feel” in the area of autistic catatonia.  And you’re one of them.

When I first took lorazepam, what my parents said was that I was more grounded.  Like I was more connected to the world and more capable of connecting to my body and connecting my body with actions and stuff.  And this was before we even knew lorazepam worked on autistic catatonia, or that autistic catatonia existed.  I’d been diagnosed with atypical autism, and noted as having catatonic features, but nobody knew the two were connected because there was only one paper out at the time and it was an obscure case study that nobody much read, and there were no formal criteria for it.

I’m seriously considering getting my doctor to raise my lorazepam dose a bit, just because of this exact thing.  Because it really does help me function in a way that’s unique among any medication I’ve ever taken.  Right now I take it for nausea and anxiety (and sometimes, in the hospital if needed IV for seizure prevention), but it works for much more than those two things.

And… you’re seriously not taking anything away from me, at any rate, by claiming autistic catatonia.  Also remember that catatonia is considered (by some, anyway) a feature of autism for most people, even for people who don’t have the progressive condition that has been labeled autistic catatonia.  As in, catatonic features and autistic features have so much overlap that they can’t always be told apart, and may be two variants on the same thing.

I can understand not wanting to freak out your parents and cause them to restrict your freedoms though.