11:57am September 15, 2014

Why is it that…

…when people accuse you of saying something because you “want to be special”, it’s always something that you almost didn’t say? Or it’s always something that you have serious reservations discussing in public because you don’t like the reactions you’re going to get? Or it’s always something you’re deeply ashamed of and have kept a secret your whole life and have just finally begun to be able to talk about it?

Because when I talked about seeing that glow around people in my mind’s eye (and they don’t seem to give a shit that it’s in my mind’s eye, and that I’m not claiming to actually actively see something, not that it should matter), I had reservations about talking about it. The reason I did talk about it in the end, is that I have seen other autistic people talk about it, and I have seen them draw terribly dangerous conclusions about it. In particular, if the glow looked white to them, they would assume that the person in question was benevolent. Which is a terrible assumption, like a 100% awful assumption to make, when it comes to danger. Because…

I don’t know what causes us to see that glow in our minds when we look at certain people. I’ve assumed it’s similar to the more universal kinds of synesthesia, like how even non-synesthetes will see low notes as dark and high notes as light if you play them notes on a piano and ask them to classify them that way. There are just certain ways we’re wired to see things, and I assume that highly sensing autistic people (at least the ones who see it) tend to see that glow in a certain way that corresponds pretty well to each other, for similar reasons.

And I had to warn people, because it’s a real thing. Autistic people see that glow and become attracted to it when they should be repelled by it. I’ve made that mistake. It cost me a lot. I’ve seen others make that mistake too. It’s always costly to become attracted to someone with a big ego and control issues, and to mistake the signs of that ego and control issues for something good. And that’s what happens when people see someone with a big giant glow around them and think it means anything good. It doesn’t. It never does.

So I said it. Because I’ve seen this happen, because I’ve seen other autistic people discuss it, because it doesn’t matter why we see a glow in our heads around certain people, what matters is that it conveys meaningful information as a danger signal. And what matters is that most people don’t know what kind of danger it signals, and that if they do know, then they can get away from it.

What that has to do with “trying to be special” I have no fucking clue. I was trying to warn people about something I’ve seen time and time again for twenty years now. And I always talk about things as I sense them, as they look in my brain, I don’t try to filter it out and make it sound as if I’m just thinking conceptually, because I’m not. These are how things look in my head. These are how things look in the heads of lots of very ‘sensing’ autistic people. People will recognize what I am talking about and they may be more cautious from now on and that is what matters.

But how someone can get from “I want to warn people that some people aren’t what they seem” to “I want to be special”, I don’t know.

But the thing is the stuff people say “You just want to be special” about is always stuff that I’ve spent a lot of my life hiding or being ashamed of, not stuff I feel is special at all. Many of the things I’ve perceived through sensing, I’ve described too literally and ended up having people try to drug them out of me. Which doesn’t work, because the drugs they used inhibited rational thought in a very severe way, leaving only sensing left as a way to understand the world. So much for that idea.

But it’s not just sensing that will get you accused of wanting to be special. Having a gender other than male or female, or lacking a gender at all. Anything that has to do with how you see yourself inside – like being plural, or seeing your soul as being that of another species, or anything like that – also you’ll be told you’re just trying to be special. And none of these things are things that anyone is ever treated as special for. They’re things that make people treat you like a freak, like you’re stupid, like the entire way your brain works is fundamentally broken in a huge way.

That’s how sensing has always been for me. It’s always been one of two things. Either people misinterpret the sensory things I see and feel in my head and call them psychotic. Or they simply treat me like sensing isn’t good enough, like it’s an inferior way to think, like if my thinking isn’t ~rational~ (whatever they mean by that) then my conclusions must be faulty, and that there’s no place in the world for people who think like I do. I have never, ever been considered special because I’m highly sensing. Unless you mean 'special’ as in 'special ed’.

And that’s the other thing – anyone who’s ever been considered special, whether 'special bad’ or 'special good’, will tell you it’s not what it’s cracked up to be and it’s not something you want to pursue. I’ve been considered both. People still consider me both, whether I want them to or not. (And I don’t want them to.) I don't need to make people see me as special, because for one thing I don’t like the experience, and for another thing I’m already having the experience.

I’m really angry about this. Really angry. Because this is what makes people hide. This is what makes people not reach out to other people. This is bullying people. This is deliberate bullying that serves to keep people apart from the support and friendship they could get from finding like-minded people. People see the bullying and they think “I’d better not talk about this aspect of my life anymore, or I’ll be bullied to.” And that’s such a fucking bullshit scummy thing to do to a person who is already dealing with being different than other people.

So if you’re one of those people who likes to complain about ~special snowflakes~, you can just fuck off, stay away from me, I don’t want you around trying to force people not to talk about things they need to talk about. If you had your way I wouldn’t be warning people about the dangers posed by certain people in the FC movement, and I wouldn’t be able to warn them effectively because I wouldn’t be able to describe the very sensory way my mind immediately perceives them, which is the exact same very sensory way that many autistic people’s minds immediately perceive them. So you’re basically saying “Don’t speak the language of the people you’re trying to communicate with.” Assholes.

Notes: