Theme
4:00pm September 15, 2014
themustacheman asked: How do you cope with your conditions? I was diagnosed with gastroparesis and I'm honestly so frightened.

I don’t really know.  I mostly just live my life.  Sometimes when I’m first diagnosed with something, I have to have almost a grieving period, and I had that with gastroparesis pretty intensely, especially when I realized I was never going to eat solid food again, and then never going to eat again period.  Sometimes I don’t have that reaction at all.  But I’ve learned that life either goes on, or it doesn’t.  And if it doesn’t, you’re just not there anymore.  And if it does, then you’re still there, you’re still the same person, you may have more restrictions on your activities, but you’re still you, and to me that’s all that has mattered in the end, is that I’m still the same person.  I don’t feel that different from before I was diagnosed.

It’s like… I was just talking to my dad, who has terminal cancer.  We have no idea how long he has to live.  And he was saying how he still wants to go on living, nothing has changed, he’s still the same, and just because he’s sick, so sick that he’s dying, doesn’t mean he suddenly wants to throw in the towel and give up on life.

When I was sick enough that death was a very real possibility (from a combination of gastroparesis, bronchiectasis, and adrenal insufficiency), I came to actually accept death as a part of life.  And once I accepted that death was the worst possible outcome, and I wasn’t scared of death anymore, I found I wasn’t scared of life with an illness anymore either.  It’s like once the worst-case scenario has been gone through and dealt with, everything else can just fall into place.  And for me, not fearing death means I no longer fear much of anything.

But not fearing death came from being really really close to death on a regular basis.  It got to the point where death felt almost like a real tangible thing that was in the room with me, and pulling me towards it like it had a gravitational pull.  And I wanted so much to just give in, because I was so tired, but I fought back and won.  One day I won’t win.  That’s just a fact of life.  But being around whatever the thing-with-the-gravitational-pull is, so often, made me realize it isn’t a thing to be feared.  It’s not a thing to be wanted, but it’s not a thing I can fear anymore.  And losing the fear of death made me lose the fear of life, and losing the fear of life made me lose the fear of all these illnesses.  And I don’t know if any of that makes any sense, but that’s how it’s worked out for me.

Notes:
  1. crohnsy reblogged this from withasmoothroundstone and added:
    Z
  2. withasmoothroundstone posted this